Me and the hubby had a nice evening planned. The nice evening consisted of us eating ice cream in the bed after putting the kids to sleep… and then getting some “man/wife” time….. Which eventually would lead to going to bed by a decent hour so neither one of us would wake up cranky in the morning. And yes, when you’re married with kids, you have to schedule your frisky hour… There is no spontaneity involved; unless you want your kids to catch you with your ass in the air of course… Anyhow, frisky hour (30 minutes MAX for me), was planned out and we were in the bed. I had the laptop in the bed with me and I was checking some emails that were too large to open up earlier on my Blackberry. My friend sent me a YouTube video that me and hubby watched together. After watching this video together, there was no need for frisky hour. After replaying this video several times and laughing ourselves to sleep, we had all the satisfaction we needed for one night. But trust me, I didn’t get off that easy…he made me late for work in the morning…
Here is the video…
Watching this video made me happy and ashamed to be black all at the same time. Black people can be so entertaining and colorful, but yet so inappropriate and disappointing!
At the 40 second mark, the young lady was so matter of fact about her attack… She seemed like she was more annoyed that she had broken glass on her floor than the fact that she almost got raped. She says, “I was attacked by some IDIOT, from out here in the projects!” Well dayum… She said that like it’s an every Thursday night occurrence that some stranger comes through the window and rubs on her booty while she is asleep! But then again, SHE IS… in the projects, so perhaps she’s just grateful that her ear wasn’t grazed by a stray bullet from the drive by the night before… could be… could be not… just a theory.
But what really had my stomach hurting was the SheMan brother who saved the day! He has to be the funniest thing that has ever been posted on Youtube… hands down.
At 59 seconds he says, “Hide ya kids, hide ya wife, AND hide ya husband… cause they rapin errrrrbody out here!” Do you see how black people just be exaggerating??! Whose husband got raped?? What is he talking about? Why does he have to be so extra??
He continues by saying, “You done left finger prints and all!!!! You are so dumb!”… Notice he was stomping his right foot and had his head cocked to the side as he was saying that (replay it and see at 1:22)… and he needed to do all that for emphasis of course. He needed errrybody to know how dumb the rapist is…
And I LOVE the part where he says…
“We GONE find you… I’mma let you know Nah! So you can go and runtellDAT!..... HOMEBOY!”... All that was missing from this video was for him to end it off with a high pitched… “Biyeetch!”
Why can’t black people act right in front of the camera?? Don’t they know that the whites are looking at them and shaking their heads thinking…“We should have left their asses in Africa!”
I understand that if you are ghetto and project you are simply ghetto and project! But if I know how to get right and speak properly in front of people from a different persuasion, I don’t see why this man who looks like a cross between a rat and crack head can’t either… I’m just saying… I’m not saying that you have to front for people and be someone who you aren’t, but I do think that you should be able to adapt to your surroundings and behave accordingly…. Should you not? And THIS is why people from all races, including black people always say, “Now you know black folks don’t know how to act!”
Dave Chapelle said it best when he was being interviewed on some show (can’t remember the show) but he said, “There is a difference between speaking Job Interview and Street Vernacular.” It’s safe to say that buddy in the video is NOT bilingual!
Now RuntellDAT!... Biyeetch!!!
Oh and one final thing… AS IF, this damn video wasn’t already funny enough, someone with some time on their hands made a remix!! I love it!
Friday, July 30, 2010
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
No sex in the champagne room...
So… I have a homey named Stephan. My homey is a young, black man that has had his fair share of body counts…(basically, women he has had sexual encounters with.) One day, God tells my homey to fold it up, tuck it in and zip it closed… No more nookie for you. That was 2 and half years ago… Click the link below to listen to the why and how of his choice to live a life of celibacy…
Questions for Stephan?? Hit him up!
Stephanl_03@hotmail.com
http://www.facebook.com/home.php?#!/profile.php?id=527211929
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Facebook Fast...
I’m on Facebook ..... A LOT! I check Facebook all day on my phone while at work… and when I get home from work, I check it again several times on my computer before I go to sleep ….. AND before I go to work, I’m on it again, which usually makes me LATE for work…. Recently, while I was on Facebook, I found myself getting bored. I was thinking, “Damn, ain’t shit going on on Facebook!” And then I had to ask myself, "What are you looking for??" And I didn’t even have an answer! I realized that I’m on Facebook doing nothing at all but wasting valuable, precious time…
What really opened my eyes was when my daughter said “Mommy, why are you always on the computer?” I kept looking at the screen… I heard her… just chose to ignore her…. “Mommy, can you come watch Hannah Montana Forever with me?”
I kept looking at the screen. “Yes, Raven. Just give me a minute…”
She turns away, walks off and says, “I know what that means…. You’re not coming…”
It was the first time I looked away from the screen and I just watched her swing her arms back and forth and throw herself on the couch…
This lil heifer’s words cut me like a knife and she didn’t even know it…And THEN she had the nerve to walk off with an attitude like it was nothing…. Cold blooded!!
It was the shock treatment I needed. It was at that point I realized that I need to get my shit together and deactivate my account for a while. I deactivated it today and made a decision to not log on for the rest of the month…until August 1st. That’s exactly two week. May not seem like a long time, but it’s a long time for someone who has been on Facebook at least once a week, every week, since 2005. That’s a lot of damn time to be spending looking at insignificant people’s pictures and status updates…
I really don’t feel like I will be missing much though… Facebook isn’t the same anymore anyway. I remember the days when Facebook was only for college students and grads that had higher educational institutions email addresses. I actually had to contact my Alma mater and activate my heaven33@ufl.edu email to register and even get onto Facebook…. Back in the day when it was www.thefacebook.com!!
I knew Facebook had gone to hell recently when I was in line at the movie theater getting some popcorn……….. and these two 60+ white women were having a discussion about how tagging pictures works!! I had the itch to deactivate my account at that point, but I never got around to doing it…
I deactivated my account earlier today, at about 3pm eastern time… Since then, I have gotten on my computer and visited different Web sites. But I quickly realized that the majority of my Internet time is spent ON FACEBOOK. So since deactivating the account, I pull up the Internet, go to a few sites and turn off the computer in a matter of 10 minutes or so….
I've always said that people who sit on their computer looking at celeb gossip all day have nothing better to do with their lives… They need to find something to do with themselves… Exercise! Find a hobby! Get a man/woman! Read a book! ......Well, I’m going to take the only advice that I would have ever taken from Michael Jackson and I’m going to look at the woman in the mirror… and make that change.
I’m interested in seeing if fasting from Facebook for the next two weeks is going to help me in anyway, besides give me more time to actually wash dishes/read books/snuggle on couch with kids or even fit in some sex! Regardless of what I do or don’t get out of it, I’m willing to try something new for a change…Change is good. Hey, ya never know! I may never log onto Facebook ever again!.... I highly doubt it but it's a possibility! A small possibility. So... wish me luck!!!! Hopefully by tomorrow I won't be foaming at the mouth and slip into a coma from withdrawl...
Now who’s coming to rehab with me?!?!?!
What really opened my eyes was when my daughter said “Mommy, why are you always on the computer?” I kept looking at the screen… I heard her… just chose to ignore her…. “Mommy, can you come watch Hannah Montana Forever with me?”
I kept looking at the screen. “Yes, Raven. Just give me a minute…”
She turns away, walks off and says, “I know what that means…. You’re not coming…”
It was the first time I looked away from the screen and I just watched her swing her arms back and forth and throw herself on the couch…
This lil heifer’s words cut me like a knife and she didn’t even know it…And THEN she had the nerve to walk off with an attitude like it was nothing…. Cold blooded!!
It was the shock treatment I needed. It was at that point I realized that I need to get my shit together and deactivate my account for a while. I deactivated it today and made a decision to not log on for the rest of the month…until August 1st. That’s exactly two week. May not seem like a long time, but it’s a long time for someone who has been on Facebook at least once a week, every week, since 2005. That’s a lot of damn time to be spending looking at insignificant people’s pictures and status updates…
I really don’t feel like I will be missing much though… Facebook isn’t the same anymore anyway. I remember the days when Facebook was only for college students and grads that had higher educational institutions email addresses. I actually had to contact my Alma mater and activate my heaven33@ufl.edu email to register and even get onto Facebook…. Back in the day when it was www.thefacebook.com!!
I knew Facebook had gone to hell recently when I was in line at the movie theater getting some popcorn……….. and these two 60+ white women were having a discussion about how tagging pictures works!! I had the itch to deactivate my account at that point, but I never got around to doing it…
I deactivated my account earlier today, at about 3pm eastern time… Since then, I have gotten on my computer and visited different Web sites. But I quickly realized that the majority of my Internet time is spent ON FACEBOOK. So since deactivating the account, I pull up the Internet, go to a few sites and turn off the computer in a matter of 10 minutes or so….
I've always said that people who sit on their computer looking at celeb gossip all day have nothing better to do with their lives… They need to find something to do with themselves… Exercise! Find a hobby! Get a man/woman! Read a book! ......Well, I’m going to take the only advice that I would have ever taken from Michael Jackson and I’m going to look at the woman in the mirror… and make that change.
I’m interested in seeing if fasting from Facebook for the next two weeks is going to help me in anyway, besides give me more time to actually wash dishes/read books/snuggle on couch with kids or even fit in some sex! Regardless of what I do or don’t get out of it, I’m willing to try something new for a change…Change is good. Hey, ya never know! I may never log onto Facebook ever again!.... I highly doubt it but it's a possibility! A small possibility. So... wish me luck!!!! Hopefully by tomorrow I won't be foaming at the mouth and slip into a coma from withdrawl...
Now who’s coming to rehab with me?!?!?!
Friday, July 16, 2010
Parents... Take it from me...
It’s hard as hell to be a good parent and to try to make the right decisions for your children. You can take advise from your parents, or other parents…. or even your friends that don't even have kids, but have a degree in Early childhood, but at the end of the day, you have to do what YOU think is best for your child… Besides, you're the only one that really knows what’s best for your child right??? Unless of course, you are a raggedy ass parent that drops off your kid to your family and friends each and every day because you have weed that needs to be smoked… (And yes I know someone that does that…)
Anyhow, me and my husband try our hardest to be good parents and show our lil divas lots of love….. and we give them enormous amounts of praise, so that hopefully one day they can be strong minded, confident young ladies… We make the smallest accomplishments the BIGGEST deal ever and because of that, they REALLY think they are hot shit! But I much rather them be over confident than to have low self esteem.
For example, I remember the day Raven ran towards me full speed and screamed, "MOMMY, I just peed on the toilet, I washed my hands WITH soap, ANNNNNND…… I closed the bathroom door afterwards so that Rhea doesn't play with the toilet water…. OH OH… ANNNNNND… when I flushed the toilet, I didn't even put my fingers in my ears!!!!!! Aren't you proud of me???" Right now you're thinking… "fingers in her ears??" What’s up with that right? Well, she has a "thing" about loud noises, so flushing the toilet is just one of those things she rather not do…. The point is, we make a Really big deal out of their small accomplishments and because of this, they think they are the fastest, prettiest, smartest things that have ever walked the planet. And YOU have seen their pictures on this blog so they are OBVIOUSLY the prettiest…I mean duh… they did come out of my pretty business…
But them thinking that they are hot shit can backfire sometimes…
And because we are fairly young parents, I’m willing to admit that we have made some mistakes too. Although we are knowledgeable enough to know that our kids will define themselves according to how we raise them, we realize that some things that we have kept from them, (to protect them) may indeed have actually been GOOD for them…
Here is an example of how keeping away things that you feel are "inappropriate" for a child may end up being a bad choice. We don't allow our kids to watch music videos… pretty much anything on B.E.T… and not because they have the absolute WORST programming out of 6000 channels, but because the videos now a days are a lil bit too much and can be very suggestive! Everything is pretty much soft porn… and all the lil woman on there are thrusting something here or licking something there…. Some girl is kissing another girl… and all types of foolishness…. So we don't let the girls watch B.E.T and that is pretty easy to do since we don't really watch the channel at ALL anyway…. It hasn't been the same since Free and AJ left anyway…. and Rocsi works my LAST damn reserved nerve… Is the bitch black or NOT? So annoying!!
Anyhow, because they don't watch those videos, and because we don't really have opportunities to dance in front of the kids…. AND because I'm too cheap to let a white girl from Albany, Georgia teach my black kids hip-hop at the local dance school…. my girls learn how to dance from the best resources they have, they learn from each other! Along with Disney Channel and SpongeBob Square pants of course. So you can just imagine what they look like when they are dancing right?? As brown as my kids are, when that music comes on, they immediately turn into Becky, Suzy, Sally or Britney. (Which reminds me, Raven boycotted her name for a few months when she was 3… and only wanted to be called Britney.) Do you see what Disney Channel will do to your children??
So the valuable lesson that I learned…. and in turn want other parents to learn, if they haven't already IS…. Let those damn kids watch a few music videos!!!! OR ELSE… they will wind up like this…
This is a video of Raven dancing to one of my hometown's classic songs… Peanut Butter Jelly. Hubby introduced the song to her on youtube.com. The only video he found was a lil banana cartoon dancing to the song… I tried to teach the child the right way to dance to the music…she refused and because we always emphasize to her that she is so GREAT at everything, no matter how retarded she looks or sounds… she wanted to emulate the banana and dance like her name was Suze Anne.
First video is the banana… second video is the monkey we call Raven A.KA. Britney, dancing like the banana.
When she was done dancing she asks, "MOMMY…. Did I do good???" And of course my response to her was… "Raven, you were AMAZING!"
Anyhow, me and my husband try our hardest to be good parents and show our lil divas lots of love….. and we give them enormous amounts of praise, so that hopefully one day they can be strong minded, confident young ladies… We make the smallest accomplishments the BIGGEST deal ever and because of that, they REALLY think they are hot shit! But I much rather them be over confident than to have low self esteem.
For example, I remember the day Raven ran towards me full speed and screamed, "MOMMY, I just peed on the toilet, I washed my hands WITH soap, ANNNNNND…… I closed the bathroom door afterwards so that Rhea doesn't play with the toilet water…. OH OH… ANNNNNND… when I flushed the toilet, I didn't even put my fingers in my ears!!!!!! Aren't you proud of me???" Right now you're thinking… "fingers in her ears??" What’s up with that right? Well, she has a "thing" about loud noises, so flushing the toilet is just one of those things she rather not do…. The point is, we make a Really big deal out of their small accomplishments and because of this, they think they are the fastest, prettiest, smartest things that have ever walked the planet. And YOU have seen their pictures on this blog so they are OBVIOUSLY the prettiest…I mean duh… they did come out of my pretty business…
But them thinking that they are hot shit can backfire sometimes…
And because we are fairly young parents, I’m willing to admit that we have made some mistakes too. Although we are knowledgeable enough to know that our kids will define themselves according to how we raise them, we realize that some things that we have kept from them, (to protect them) may indeed have actually been GOOD for them…
Here is an example of how keeping away things that you feel are "inappropriate" for a child may end up being a bad choice. We don't allow our kids to watch music videos… pretty much anything on B.E.T… and not because they have the absolute WORST programming out of 6000 channels, but because the videos now a days are a lil bit too much and can be very suggestive! Everything is pretty much soft porn… and all the lil woman on there are thrusting something here or licking something there…. Some girl is kissing another girl… and all types of foolishness…. So we don't let the girls watch B.E.T and that is pretty easy to do since we don't really watch the channel at ALL anyway…. It hasn't been the same since Free and AJ left anyway…. and Rocsi works my LAST damn reserved nerve… Is the bitch black or NOT? So annoying!!
Anyhow, because they don't watch those videos, and because we don't really have opportunities to dance in front of the kids…. AND because I'm too cheap to let a white girl from Albany, Georgia teach my black kids hip-hop at the local dance school…. my girls learn how to dance from the best resources they have, they learn from each other! Along with Disney Channel and SpongeBob Square pants of course. So you can just imagine what they look like when they are dancing right?? As brown as my kids are, when that music comes on, they immediately turn into Becky, Suzy, Sally or Britney. (Which reminds me, Raven boycotted her name for a few months when she was 3… and only wanted to be called Britney.) Do you see what Disney Channel will do to your children??
So the valuable lesson that I learned…. and in turn want other parents to learn, if they haven't already IS…. Let those damn kids watch a few music videos!!!! OR ELSE… they will wind up like this…
This is a video of Raven dancing to one of my hometown's classic songs… Peanut Butter Jelly. Hubby introduced the song to her on youtube.com. The only video he found was a lil banana cartoon dancing to the song… I tried to teach the child the right way to dance to the music…she refused and because we always emphasize to her that she is so GREAT at everything, no matter how retarded she looks or sounds… she wanted to emulate the banana and dance like her name was Suze Anne.
First video is the banana… second video is the monkey we call Raven A.KA. Britney, dancing like the banana.
When she was done dancing she asks, "MOMMY…. Did I do good???" And of course my response to her was… "Raven, you were AMAZING!"
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Random Rant - Poop and Skeet
You know what is REALLY annoying to me… What's annoying is taking a long, hot, relaxing shower…..while using all your expensive, smelly good stuff from Bath and Body Works… just sitting in the shower and letting the hot water wash away all the stress from the day... and getting as squeaky clean as possible….. and then coming out into the quiet master bedroom… it's quiet because the kids are asleep of course… and then SLOWLY and gently applying the smelly good lotion that’s the same flavor as the Bath and Body Works shower gel that you just washed with… putting on some comfy,clean pajamas and then.... You have to go poop.
That’s really annoying… ALMOST as annoying as when I do ALL that relaxing stuff and then hubby wants to get frisky….. Getting frisky usually means getting squirted on all over my leg/back/thighs… usually just one of those body parts, not all at the same time though...
And THEN, I have to do all that relaxing stuff all over again… except this time, its NOT relaxing… its annoying, because I have to do it all over again…
And I know one of my many uptight teacher friends is going to read this and send me an email/text saying, "Gosh darn it Heaven! Why are you so vulgar and raunchy?!?!"
And that will be followed by a response like, "Dag nab it! Why are you so uptight and teacher-like?!?!"
Why do people act like they don't pee/poop and have their periods every month? Why do people act like other people don't have sex and get skeeted on occasionally. I'm married AND I'm human AND I live in America! So that means I can have sex, without being judged…...poop without having to hold it in ....and talk about it freely because I the First Amendment right to do so...
Now DO something about it!
That’s really annoying… ALMOST as annoying as when I do ALL that relaxing stuff and then hubby wants to get frisky….. Getting frisky usually means getting squirted on all over my leg/back/thighs… usually just one of those body parts, not all at the same time though...
And THEN, I have to do all that relaxing stuff all over again… except this time, its NOT relaxing… its annoying, because I have to do it all over again…
And I know one of my many uptight teacher friends is going to read this and send me an email/text saying, "Gosh darn it Heaven! Why are you so vulgar and raunchy?!?!"
And that will be followed by a response like, "Dag nab it! Why are you so uptight and teacher-like?!?!"
Why do people act like they don't pee/poop and have their periods every month? Why do people act like other people don't have sex and get skeeted on occasionally. I'm married AND I'm human AND I live in America! So that means I can have sex, without being judged…...poop without having to hold it in ....and talk about it freely because I the First Amendment right to do so...
Now DO something about it!
Cats and Dogs
This week me and hubby have been into it. Country folks say “into it” which essentially means you are having an “issue” with someone. Well me and hubby are into it this week. Last week, we were loving each other. But this week, I can’t stand him! We go through our phases. Our love and hate weeks…
But this week, I’m the one that is beefing and he is the one with the, “I don’t know what the hell your attitude is for, but I’m not kissing your spoiled African ass, so if you wanna walk round this joint with your nose in the air, that’s fine with me, but bitch you better have my sandwich ready when I’m hungry though…” Of course this is something I’m assuming he is saying in his mind. He is smart enough to not say it out loud. And he better keep it that way unless he wants to see his kids two weekends out the month…
I have been feeling very BLAH this week…. And it’s a laundry list of reasons why I feel this way, but I just really don’t have much time to lay it all out on the table… and at this point, I really just want to be miserable! Let me be miserable damn it! And I just want him to deal with me abusing him and using him as a punching bag! He is my husband! This is what he is there for! Why can’t he just deal with it and be a passive, submissive husband…. DAYUM.
But NO! He wants to stand his ground and act like a thug and be all hard and shit… When we pass each other in the hall way while we are “into it”, we just pass each other and don’t say anything, but since that is so unusual and we ALWAYS say or do something when we pass each other in that lil ass hallway, (ie. Poke him in the butt, or he grabs a left breast, or he tries to clip me so that I will trip)…it’s just a lil strange… to not say anything while passing each other.
In those few seconds while we’re passing each other, it feels like we’re in some dark New York alley… and I’m the clean, elegant lost cat that’s looking for her way back to my owners penthouse, and he is the dingy, raggedy dog with dreaded up dog hair that’s going through the trash looking for his next meal…
And I’m the alley looking at this dingy mutt with my back arched and my face all scrunched up just READY for this mangy animal to come one step closer so I can slice and dice him with one finger…. And the mutt is growling at me with his NASTY saliva mouth… That’s how it feels in those short seconds in the hallway…
I go through these lil funks from time to time and he definitely has his mood swings as well… And he definitely did try to figure out what was wrong with me and I just played it off like nothing was wrong and his questions were annoying me…….but in the middle of the week, I had figured out what was wrong, I was just too prideful to share…
So when he would ask, “Baby, what is wrong with you? Why are you looking like that?”
My response would be, “What’s wrong is that I’m sick and tired of your funky ass not picking up after these dingy ass SOCKS that you keep leaving around this bitch…… so that I can be your personal servant to pick them hoes up! I’m still annoyed as hell that I have to TELL you to take the damn trash out… just take the shit out! You do the same shit week to week…. Why the hell do I have to remind you of this shit EVERY damn week?!?! And if I can see your hairy black ass face, then you should have looked in the mirror by now… So when in the hell are you going to shave that rusty ass beard off your face?? That’s just UGLY!”
And he just stands there… looking like a canon that’s about to explode…and I’m waiting for him to haul off and punch me in my two front teeth… but instead he walks away with his fists clinched… and in my mind I should be thinking, “Oh NO… I really did it now!” but instead, I’m thinking, “F U asshole!! Get yo bitch ass outta here!”….. I know… that’s wrong, but at least I don’t say it out loud… all the time…
The sad reality is I KNOW what’s wrong and I should just say this to him…
“Baby!!!! I wanna go to LA with you next week to the semi-celeb wedding!” (he is a groomsmen for one of his NFL buddies who is marrying a semi-celeb… I guess she would be a celeb in the black community… and the wedding is supposed to be one of those typical over the top weddings…. I mean the DJ for the wedding is Kid Capri for crying out loud! And the bridesmaids are these reality star sisters that are famous for….. I’m not sure what they are famous for, but they are famous….. and my husband may be walking in the wedding with one of the sisters OR one of Lil Wayne’s many baby mamas!) “I wanna go!....I wanna go to see celebs and Kid Capri and fly on a plane for 4 hours to California since I’ve never been and see the stars on the ground in Hollywood and take pictures of EVERYTHING so I can post them on Facebook and front for everyone like I really hang with these people on a regular basis!”
But I can’t go… because I have to work, and I have two daughters that need to be taken care of and we don’t have anyone that we can drop them off to for a few days AND because the plane ticket was too expensive… So I will sit here in Buford, GA and be a well behaved working mom… while he is in LA with all the posers of the world…… that’s alright though… cause soon and very soon… I will be there in LA… and I will be POSER #1!!! And everyone is going to be boo hoo crying because they can’t afford to come to my pleasant upscale event in Boise, Idaho!
But in the meantime, I will be a good mommy to these kids and be a lil nicer to this wonderful man (who just so happened to walk over to me while I was writing this and said, “Since you haven’t done this in a while, I will do it for you.” And then kissed me on my cheek…)
That kiss from my prince just brought me back to reality like the Princesses from the Disney movies… My reality is…. I’m lucky, my life is great and my time will soon come….
But this week, I’m the one that is beefing and he is the one with the, “I don’t know what the hell your attitude is for, but I’m not kissing your spoiled African ass, so if you wanna walk round this joint with your nose in the air, that’s fine with me, but bitch you better have my sandwich ready when I’m hungry though…” Of course this is something I’m assuming he is saying in his mind. He is smart enough to not say it out loud. And he better keep it that way unless he wants to see his kids two weekends out the month…
I have been feeling very BLAH this week…. And it’s a laundry list of reasons why I feel this way, but I just really don’t have much time to lay it all out on the table… and at this point, I really just want to be miserable! Let me be miserable damn it! And I just want him to deal with me abusing him and using him as a punching bag! He is my husband! This is what he is there for! Why can’t he just deal with it and be a passive, submissive husband…. DAYUM.
But NO! He wants to stand his ground and act like a thug and be all hard and shit… When we pass each other in the hall way while we are “into it”, we just pass each other and don’t say anything, but since that is so unusual and we ALWAYS say or do something when we pass each other in that lil ass hallway, (ie. Poke him in the butt, or he grabs a left breast, or he tries to clip me so that I will trip)…it’s just a lil strange… to not say anything while passing each other.
In those few seconds while we’re passing each other, it feels like we’re in some dark New York alley… and I’m the clean, elegant lost cat that’s looking for her way back to my owners penthouse, and he is the dingy, raggedy dog with dreaded up dog hair that’s going through the trash looking for his next meal…
And I’m the alley looking at this dingy mutt with my back arched and my face all scrunched up just READY for this mangy animal to come one step closer so I can slice and dice him with one finger…. And the mutt is growling at me with his NASTY saliva mouth… That’s how it feels in those short seconds in the hallway…So when he would ask, “Baby, what is wrong with you? Why are you looking like that?”
My response would be, “What’s wrong is that I’m sick and tired of your funky ass not picking up after these dingy ass SOCKS that you keep leaving around this bitch…… so that I can be your personal servant to pick them hoes up! I’m still annoyed as hell that I have to TELL you to take the damn trash out… just take the shit out! You do the same shit week to week…. Why the hell do I have to remind you of this shit EVERY damn week?!?! And if I can see your hairy black ass face, then you should have looked in the mirror by now… So when in the hell are you going to shave that rusty ass beard off your face?? That’s just UGLY!”
And he just stands there… looking like a canon that’s about to explode…and I’m waiting for him to haul off and punch me in my two front teeth… but instead he walks away with his fists clinched… and in my mind I should be thinking, “Oh NO… I really did it now!” but instead, I’m thinking, “F U asshole!! Get yo bitch ass outta here!”….. I know… that’s wrong, but at least I don’t say it out loud… all the time…
The sad reality is I KNOW what’s wrong and I should just say this to him…
“Baby!!!! I wanna go to LA with you next week to the semi-celeb wedding!” (he is a groomsmen for one of his NFL buddies who is marrying a semi-celeb… I guess she would be a celeb in the black community… and the wedding is supposed to be one of those typical over the top weddings…. I mean the DJ for the wedding is Kid Capri for crying out loud! And the bridesmaids are these reality star sisters that are famous for….. I’m not sure what they are famous for, but they are famous….. and my husband may be walking in the wedding with one of the sisters OR one of Lil Wayne’s many baby mamas!) “I wanna go!....I wanna go to see celebs and Kid Capri and fly on a plane for 4 hours to California since I’ve never been and see the stars on the ground in Hollywood and take pictures of EVERYTHING so I can post them on Facebook and front for everyone like I really hang with these people on a regular basis!”
But I can’t go… because I have to work, and I have two daughters that need to be taken care of and we don’t have anyone that we can drop them off to for a few days AND because the plane ticket was too expensive… So I will sit here in Buford, GA and be a well behaved working mom… while he is in LA with all the posers of the world…… that’s alright though… cause soon and very soon… I will be there in LA… and I will be POSER #1!!! And everyone is going to be boo hoo crying because they can’t afford to come to my pleasant upscale event in Boise, Idaho!
But in the meantime, I will be a good mommy to these kids and be a lil nicer to this wonderful man (who just so happened to walk over to me while I was writing this and said, “Since you haven’t done this in a while, I will do it for you.” And then kissed me on my cheek…)
That kiss from my prince just brought me back to reality like the Princesses from the Disney movies… My reality is…. I’m lucky, my life is great and my time will soon come….
Friday, June 25, 2010
Out on the town...
I don't go to the club very often and to be honest, I really don't have much of a desire to go at all. I live about 45 minutes away from all the night life and that commute back and forth is BEAST enough to keep me in the house. Some people think it sucks to live in the burbs.... shittin me... I wouldn't have it ANY other way. I have EVERYTHING I need within a 5 mile radius...including a public school where my child doesn't have to worry about being capped her first day of kindergarten. Yeah I know... she might be one of the only few "brown" kids in her class... but that's fine with me because although there may not be many blacks in her classes, there is a wealth of diversity! Asians, Arabs and the white folks too... that's diverse enough to me. And I don't mind her hanging around the Asians and Arabs anyway.... you KNOW they are good at math and science... I need her to role with them because I was always in remedial math classes... Besides, she gets all the ethnicity she needs from me and her Pappie... If you haven't noticed yet, I can be a tad bit "ethnic"...
Whoa... talk about going off on a tangent... ANYhow, I rarely go out to the clubs here in ATL. I much rather go to a lounge, a friends house, dinner and things of that nature..... Places where you can actually hold a conversation and be social.... I'm a social kinda lady...I don't like to go to raggedy places and locations... I save those raggedy, hole in the wall places for special occasions like..... when a girlfriend comes into town or someone is having a birthday.... I don't want always be in places where people are grabbing your elbow and saying, "Eh gal, let me holla atcha for a minute"...places where you have to worry about where you parked because there are ENTIRELY too many Negros hanging around outside... places where you walk in smelling like Dolce and Gabana and come out smelling like ass and ashtray... I really don't like going to these kinds of establishments at all, but I will definitely go every now and again...
Besides, what the hell does a happily married woman with two kids have ANY business doing in the club every weekend?!? And I'm not saying that if you're married then you shouldn't be clubbing...... all I'm saying is that if you get dolled up and go to the club every weekend and you're not dancing, then you're there looking for something. And as a married woman, I found what I was looking for, so I don't need to be two stepping with a drink in the club every weekend. I much rather be at home every other Saturday night falling asleep on the sofa with this grizzly bear of mine...
WHOA..... another tangent.... my apologies...
Well recently, I went to dinner and the club for my girlfriend's 29th birthday. We went this uppity restaurant and I ordered the breaded chicken... I ordered that because it was the only thing I understood on the menu... $18 for some breaded chicken ......and it didn't even come with some damn mash potatoes! You had to pay six extra bucks for a side of mash! Well I'll be damned... this is why I just go to restaurant chains like Cheesecake Factory! You pay $15 for a meal there, and you have enough left overs to eat for the next 3 days!! My other friend ordered some lamb. THIRTY freakin dollars for some damn lamb... with no sides... I know that the lamb was pretty big but damn, for $30, they coulda thrown some fries on the plate or SOMETHING!
But here is the kicker... Pearl had a yummy red velvet cake that one of her co-workers made for her. They brought the cake to the restaurant so that we could have some after dinner.... DO YOU KNOW... that these fuckers at this restaurants charged TWO DOLLARS per person to cut the cake in the kitchen and serve it on a plate?!??! It was called a "cake dish" fee. What a crock! The host of this birthday dinner was better than me, because I woulda told Tony (or whatever the waiter's name was) to bring me a plastic knife and some paper towels... hell, I would have even went to the bathroom and got some toilet paper to lay the pieces on! And as far as I'm concerned, we didn't even need forks! I'm from Africa... we are used to using our hands to eat our food...
Here is the restaurant... I can't even say the name of this place... Man I tell ya... these ATL black woman sure are siddity! Trying to be all fancy and shit... We could have eaten like kings and gotten drunk off our asses for a fraction of the cost at Applebee's! But it was her birthday, so I guess I understand. Luckily, Pearls significant other was there too and he was gracious enough to pay the bill! That was the highlight of my night! Because I ordered like THREE cokes and you KNOW places like this DO NOT give free refills...
Anyhow, off to the club we go... we drove around to a few places and couldn't decide where we were going... All that driving around and looking for a place to have a good time made me realize that I'm getting old. I was nodding off and trying to pretend like I was really engaged in conversation... I was so tired that I felt like I was going to slip into a coma..... we eventually landed in this place called LIVE, and it was far from that... The only thing that was live about this place was all the koonery and bafoonery I was able to capture on my camera while I was there... Here are the pics with a brief description to explain the madness.
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Look at this shit... This woman was on the dance floor dancing by herself to a slow jam... Bending over, opening her legs and letting everyone get front and back shots of her bidness... Just LOOK at her crotch... doesn't it just look like it would smell like expired milk??... weeks later and miles away from that club..........and I can still smell it... And now, I have an overwhelming desire to take a shower. GROSS!
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And look at this L-A-M-E-O and Lame-O was his Name-O! How DARE you come in the club with this extra young smedium shirt, cargo shorts, dirty white sneakers AND some Men In Black shades on??? And he has the nerve to keep the shades on in the dark ass club AND read a text message!?!?! Dude.... take your ass home to your wife and kids... you're trying too hard...
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Next picture.....This is a sign of someone that needs a hug, a pastor or a male figure in their lives.
Whose child is this in the club??? Matter of fact, whose MAMA is this in the club?? There is nothing wrong with people backing it up and shakin something... but ya girl right here??!?.... She wanted EVERYONE to know... that she knows how to twirk something... And look at buddy......he really thinks he is doing something special...
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NEXT.............He might as well have pulled out the condom right there in front of everyone right??
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She's still going!!! She's like the energizer bunny! Buddy got off the ride and she's still going at it!
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Now this is just sad. This is her desperate attempt to lure another guy to jump on it....
No one else did though... I assume the last guy that was on her notified the other dudes about the unusual smell on his pants... perhaps??
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I don't know how you women do it... I'm not a shoe freak like other women. Comfort will always comes before cuteness for me... This poor women in the picture was cute as hell, but was constantly having to adjust her shoes... and pretty much stayed still all night long! I don't need to work this hard and walk on stilts to be fabulous...cuteness comes easy for me...
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Look at this poor woman and how she was gripping and holding on to dear life to the bar! This man was all over her ass and tits and every other body part... She just stood there was obviously not enjoying the experience! And he kept dancing/groping harder and getting more aggressive.... probably assuming that she liked it. I'm sure he would have let her go if she just simply .... walked away. The only attempt she made to defend herself was when he pulled her dress up and she pulled it back down. I felt so bad for her and didn't understand why she was allowing him to do a lightweight sexual assult on her when there was so many people around. I wanted to help her out but if I did, then I probably would have missed out on this picture!
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Now look at this foolishness below. This is why the whites don't need to be hanging around blacks! We are a bad influence!! ... This woman was in the club with some of her black friends. She was obviously drunk off her ass. She was dancing like she was having sex with the air! And then she proceeded to remove her panties in the club!! Yes! It's true! I tried to elbow some people out of the way to capture the moment when she actually removed her panties right there on the dance floor...... in front of everyone else....... but I could only capture this part.... the part where she is bending over and showing the world her cervix! I mean, she has a nice butt and everything, but it's still a 40 something year old white woman's ass! There is a time and place for this... and this hole in the wall of a club was NOT the place and me having a camera in my hand was obviously NOT the good time for her... Where ever you are 40 year old white lady, I hope you're sober now and you've learned your lesson............ keep away from the blacks! They are NO GOOD I tell ya!!!
(This IS a joke people... ligthen up!)
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And finally, the image that seemed to disturb and confuse me the most. After I got home, I kept looking at the picture over and over again. I was thinking and trying to figure out what was worse. A man in a wheelchair in an establishment like this....... OR, that I got to see a real life black Leprechaun...... still thinking....
OK! OK!........ YES! I know that was super mean... I just couldn't help myself! Now everyone bow your heads and pray that none of these people come to the suburbs looking for me!!!
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