This is how I feel today.
I feel like I'm hungry but I don't want to eat. I have things to do but I don't want to get up. My eyes are burning and I feel sleepy but I just had 8 hours of sleep.
Oh lord. I have had this feeling before. I have felt this way before. Two other times. Am I pregnant? Again? But I'm on the pill! Then again... I was on the pill with the other two.
Does this nigga have some super sperm or something? Can it really fight threw these side affect driven pills I been taking all these months? Or is it just that I haven't been taking them the way I'm supposed to? I'll assume its a combination of both, but more of the super sperm theory.
So I know how I'm going to act now until I really find out. And I'm not going to find out until I'm over a month late even though I feel like I might be pregnant now. I have a reason for this. I have plans that I don't want to ruin in the next two weeks. I have a wedding I'm walking in and I dress I need to get into. I bought the dress too small...determined to fit in it! SO if I find out I'm pregnant, its going to give me an excuse to not work out and get my torso in it. All my sorority sisters are going to be at this wedding. I can't have these hoes lookin at me crazy. I need to be lookin right. Also, If I take that pregnancy test now, then its going to have me thinking all types of crazy things that I rather just put on the back burner. Money? Quality time with husband? Career? Sleep? Is my coochie EVER going to be the same??
I have had two kids and have been able to maintain my shape for the most part over the years. I wonder if this is the lil fucker that is going to do me in and keep me round and pudgy forever. The thought of it makes me want to committ suicide. Well not really, but almost. I'm getting older and I know my metabolism is tired of all this Pepsi product. Hold on metabolism! Hold on!! I have more life to live. I have more club dresses to wear! I need to wear a bikini again! So just sit tight! Don't go no where! I'll be right back!
In 9 months.
Monday, May 4, 2009
Saturday, April 25, 2009
***Dookie Love!
Don't you just LOVE it when you go take a dookie and it comes out clean, quick and all in one piece?? I don't know why that brings me so much joy?!?
I once saw an Oprah show with Doctor Oz on it and he said that your dookie should come out all in one piece and should make an S shape. EVERYTIME I poop and have something that looks remotely like an S, I jump for joy... even before I wipe! Makes me feel like I'm eating well and getting the fiber I need. And thats a big deal with me cause of the amount of Pepsi's I drink in a week. Dr. Oz also says that if your poop floats... you gotta problem! You have too much fat in your diet.
But anyway, I just feel so much cleaner after I take a dooce and all I need is some good ol Charmin to wipe me up! I feel clean enough using the Charmin, but only when I have that large, smooth, one piece dookie.
But MAN when I have those chunkie dookies.... its not a good look! I immediately feel like I need to take a shower or at least jump in the tub and just clean off my bottom area. PLEASE don't act like you have never jumped in the tub JUST to clean your bottom area..... usually right before sex right! lol
ONE TIME for the one piece, smooth dookie love!! Yeah BOYEE!!
Side bar:
What is up with going to peoples houses and they have that lame ass one layer tissue paper? How inconsiderate of them! Keep that cheap shit in the master bath and keep the good stuff in the guest bathroom. How do you know your guests want to use that?? Its one thing for public restrooms to use that cause they go thru the toilet paper so quickly, but if your homegirl is using your toilet, don't leave her with the paper that is going to make her get pee and poo on her hands after one vigourous wipe! What up with that? Trust that no one is going to have to suffer like that when they come in my home.
Side bar 2:
What is up with peoples issue with using public restrooms?? Why do people pee there but have such a hard time taking a dooce? Its the same thing, just maybe with more sound affects and fragrance. Just be smart and hold the actual push for when someone in the stall next to you flushes OR wait till everyone is gone! WHats the big deal? I refuse to hold my dookie for anyone! Maybe thats cause my bladder isnt the strongest but OH WELL! Its not meant to be held in! SHit it out man!
When I went to the University of Florida, i remember walking on campus a little while before graduation and thinking about all the memories I had in college. Then all of a sudden, I had to take a dooce and the nearest bathroom was in a new building the school had made. I know every building has a bathroom so you know I took care of my business up in there. But as I was on the camode and admiring the new fancy bathroom, i thought about all the buildings and bathrooms I had taken a dooce in on campus! I blessed the majority of all them buildings! And why.... cause I had to shit and didn't feel the need to hold it, catch the bus and go to my apartment. I'm cool with my bowels like that!
Stop fronting like we all don't do it!
Dookie Love.
I once saw an Oprah show with Doctor Oz on it and he said that your dookie should come out all in one piece and should make an S shape. EVERYTIME I poop and have something that looks remotely like an S, I jump for joy... even before I wipe! Makes me feel like I'm eating well and getting the fiber I need. And thats a big deal with me cause of the amount of Pepsi's I drink in a week. Dr. Oz also says that if your poop floats... you gotta problem! You have too much fat in your diet.
But anyway, I just feel so much cleaner after I take a dooce and all I need is some good ol Charmin to wipe me up! I feel clean enough using the Charmin, but only when I have that large, smooth, one piece dookie.
But MAN when I have those chunkie dookies.... its not a good look! I immediately feel like I need to take a shower or at least jump in the tub and just clean off my bottom area. PLEASE don't act like you have never jumped in the tub JUST to clean your bottom area..... usually right before sex right! lol
ONE TIME for the one piece, smooth dookie love!! Yeah BOYEE!!
Side bar:
What is up with going to peoples houses and they have that lame ass one layer tissue paper? How inconsiderate of them! Keep that cheap shit in the master bath and keep the good stuff in the guest bathroom. How do you know your guests want to use that?? Its one thing for public restrooms to use that cause they go thru the toilet paper so quickly, but if your homegirl is using your toilet, don't leave her with the paper that is going to make her get pee and poo on her hands after one vigourous wipe! What up with that? Trust that no one is going to have to suffer like that when they come in my home.
Side bar 2:
What is up with peoples issue with using public restrooms?? Why do people pee there but have such a hard time taking a dooce? Its the same thing, just maybe with more sound affects and fragrance. Just be smart and hold the actual push for when someone in the stall next to you flushes OR wait till everyone is gone! WHats the big deal? I refuse to hold my dookie for anyone! Maybe thats cause my bladder isnt the strongest but OH WELL! Its not meant to be held in! SHit it out man!
When I went to the University of Florida, i remember walking on campus a little while before graduation and thinking about all the memories I had in college. Then all of a sudden, I had to take a dooce and the nearest bathroom was in a new building the school had made. I know every building has a bathroom so you know I took care of my business up in there. But as I was on the camode and admiring the new fancy bathroom, i thought about all the buildings and bathrooms I had taken a dooce in on campus! I blessed the majority of all them buildings! And why.... cause I had to shit and didn't feel the need to hold it, catch the bus and go to my apartment. I'm cool with my bowels like that!
Stop fronting like we all don't do it!
Dookie Love.
***Stop wasting my damn tax dollars on the devil!
So while people all over the world are mad about the Octi-mom and all her damn chitlens the government is going to be footing the bill for, we need to be worrying about real tax dollars going in the trash!
Why in the HELL are we spending even 45cents on disgusting, waste of flesh, child rapists/murderers. I just don't understand why....... if there is a sicko out there who has kidnapped, raped, tortured, held captive, used a child as a sex slave, sodomized a child and then threw the poor baby in a ditch after being murdered........... but first the child was locked in a closet for a few weeks, only to be taken out and get poked a few more times....... AND THEN this fucker gets caught, admits it, takes the police to the body, smiles about it, can't explain himself and jacks off to pictures of the dead body....... THEN WHY WHY WHY... does this raggedy piece of shit need a trial. A trial that will put him in jail for a very long time. Our tax money also has to feed and dress this man. Our money will give him an education if he wants and allow him to watch Disney Channel and jack off to Hannah Montana in his cell. It will allow him to prolly rape another nigga while IN jail..... just so THAT nigga can come out and give another black woman HIV!
SO why not just end the vicious cycle and bust a cap in this assholes forehead??? This man obviously cannot be let out of jail, but why keep him there? This is a walking devil! We should even give the parents of the victims the option to pull the trigger and maybe allow them to break a plunger stick in his ass.
I do understand that everyone has the right to an attorney, trial, due process blah blah blah!!! But damn, he admitted it... there are pictures of kids on his PC...... hard evidence all over his house and car..... gave the police details on the murder and rape and torture..... took police to the body..... need I say more!!! Kill that nigga! Whop that TRICK!!!
Maybe I feel strongly about this cause I have kids... or maybe I just have common sense combined with a lack of tolerance for kiddy rapists! Ewwwww.... nasty fucks!
You might be thinking.... well what if that was your brother or family member who was charged for something like that..... Well what I would say is..... if there is any shawdow of a doubt then I'm on his team.... but if he admitted it..... then all i can do is....
Look over at my mom, and ask her what the hell she been doing wrong all these years to raise a crazy lil nigga like that!
Light that nigga up! He can't be around my kids during Thanksgiving!!! You crazy as hell!
Thats just my 19 cents.
Why in the HELL are we spending even 45cents on disgusting, waste of flesh, child rapists/murderers. I just don't understand why....... if there is a sicko out there who has kidnapped, raped, tortured, held captive, used a child as a sex slave, sodomized a child and then threw the poor baby in a ditch after being murdered........... but first the child was locked in a closet for a few weeks, only to be taken out and get poked a few more times....... AND THEN this fucker gets caught, admits it, takes the police to the body, smiles about it, can't explain himself and jacks off to pictures of the dead body....... THEN WHY WHY WHY... does this raggedy piece of shit need a trial. A trial that will put him in jail for a very long time. Our tax money also has to feed and dress this man. Our money will give him an education if he wants and allow him to watch Disney Channel and jack off to Hannah Montana in his cell. It will allow him to prolly rape another nigga while IN jail..... just so THAT nigga can come out and give another black woman HIV!
SO why not just end the vicious cycle and bust a cap in this assholes forehead??? This man obviously cannot be let out of jail, but why keep him there? This is a walking devil! We should even give the parents of the victims the option to pull the trigger and maybe allow them to break a plunger stick in his ass.
I do understand that everyone has the right to an attorney, trial, due process blah blah blah!!! But damn, he admitted it... there are pictures of kids on his PC...... hard evidence all over his house and car..... gave the police details on the murder and rape and torture..... took police to the body..... need I say more!!! Kill that nigga! Whop that TRICK!!!
Maybe I feel strongly about this cause I have kids... or maybe I just have common sense combined with a lack of tolerance for kiddy rapists! Ewwwww.... nasty fucks!
You might be thinking.... well what if that was your brother or family member who was charged for something like that..... Well what I would say is..... if there is any shawdow of a doubt then I'm on his team.... but if he admitted it..... then all i can do is....
Look over at my mom, and ask her what the hell she been doing wrong all these years to raise a crazy lil nigga like that!
Light that nigga up! He can't be around my kids during Thanksgiving!!! You crazy as hell!
Thats just my 19 cents.
***So you were bold enough to go thru your man phone huh..
I have had some friends that have had the nerve to go thru their mans phone, but don't have enough nerve to confront him about the shit they found in his phone. I don't understand this concept. Why can't you confront him on that? Because he'll ask you why were you going thru his phone in the first place?
Your response should be "Bitch, that's irrelevant! The more important question at hand is who is this hoe you talking to about hot tubs and bubbles via text message?!?!"
Should you feel bad about going thru your mates phone?? Yes and No.... Reason? Yes, if you go thru there and don't find anything. But at least you know that your man ain't creepin... but then again, he might have deleted all the bad stuff before he got home. I'm just sayin.....
But I think more than anything that NO NO NO! You should not feel bad. If you felt the need to go thru that mans phone, then he obviously gave you a reason to. Unless you're some obsessed, insecure, no self esteem crazy ass broad.... there is no hope for you. But if you're a sensible, rational young lady and your intuition keeps telling you to jump on that Blackberry as soon as he turns that shower on... DO IT!
But if you find something, don't be a punk ass girl! Ask that man what they hell is really going on and deal with the situation accordingly.
Your response should be "Bitch, that's irrelevant! The more important question at hand is who is this hoe you talking to about hot tubs and bubbles via text message?!?!"
Should you feel bad about going thru your mates phone?? Yes and No.... Reason? Yes, if you go thru there and don't find anything. But at least you know that your man ain't creepin... but then again, he might have deleted all the bad stuff before he got home. I'm just sayin.....
But I think more than anything that NO NO NO! You should not feel bad. If you felt the need to go thru that mans phone, then he obviously gave you a reason to. Unless you're some obsessed, insecure, no self esteem crazy ass broad.... there is no hope for you. But if you're a sensible, rational young lady and your intuition keeps telling you to jump on that Blackberry as soon as he turns that shower on... DO IT!
But if you find something, don't be a punk ass girl! Ask that man what they hell is really going on and deal with the situation accordingly.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
***I know HATE is a strong word but...
#1
I know Hate is a strong word but I HATE cleaning some damn chicken.... that is why I always cook skinless boneless chicken! Even the skinless chicken in the store has to be cleaned and I just HATE it!
#2
I love my girls.... but I HATE having to comb their nappy ass heads! Lord give me the strength to hold on till they turn 13 so I can throw that perm on there! Amen? AMEN!
#3
I love the invention of the Cell phone but I HATE raggedy ass T-mobile! Hate! I know I live in the sticks but SO WHAT!!! Where is your reception?!?!? And I call the customer service line and this bitch had the NERVE to tell me to stand outside or sit by a window....... BITCH WHAT??? Are you for real? Did you just tell me to go outside to use the phone like I'm in East Africa???? I hate me some damn T-mobile. I hope the CEO of T-mobile crashes and burns.
#4
I LOVE the fact that the USA is a melting pot of cultures but I HATE HATE HATE it when I try to go somewhere..... in the USA of course........ and I try to get some service and a bitch busts out wit the No Hable Englise!! You raggedy lil cleaning lady!! I didnt even get to ask you my question and you hit me with the....... No Habla blah blah blah!
What the hell?? How did you interview for this job?? Does your boss No Hable Englise??? Just dreadful!
If my mama and daddy can come to the states and learn english, your parents can too! Enroll them in some night school classes please!!!!! so they don't have to make NOT ONE OTHER person a victim of the.... NO HABLA EngLISE!
I know Hate is a strong word but I HATE cleaning some damn chicken.... that is why I always cook skinless boneless chicken! Even the skinless chicken in the store has to be cleaned and I just HATE it!
#2
I love my girls.... but I HATE having to comb their nappy ass heads! Lord give me the strength to hold on till they turn 13 so I can throw that perm on there! Amen? AMEN!
#3
I love the invention of the Cell phone but I HATE raggedy ass T-mobile! Hate! I know I live in the sticks but SO WHAT!!! Where is your reception?!?!? And I call the customer service line and this bitch had the NERVE to tell me to stand outside or sit by a window....... BITCH WHAT??? Are you for real? Did you just tell me to go outside to use the phone like I'm in East Africa???? I hate me some damn T-mobile. I hope the CEO of T-mobile crashes and burns.
#4
I LOVE the fact that the USA is a melting pot of cultures but I HATE HATE HATE it when I try to go somewhere..... in the USA of course........ and I try to get some service and a bitch busts out wit the No Hable Englise!! You raggedy lil cleaning lady!! I didnt even get to ask you my question and you hit me with the....... No Habla blah blah blah!
What the hell?? How did you interview for this job?? Does your boss No Hable Englise??? Just dreadful!
If my mama and daddy can come to the states and learn english, your parents can too! Enroll them in some night school classes please!!!!! so they don't have to make NOT ONE OTHER person a victim of the.... NO HABLA EngLISE!
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
If I won the lottey...
The last time I wrote on this Blog thingy was 4 months ago. I think I'm going to write on here more often. Turns out people get money from blogs! What!!! Man show me the damn money! I'll write till my fingers bend backwards.
If i won the lottery, I wouldn't do a damn thing. I would put my kids in the finest day care money can pay for and get up every morning, take them to daycare, MAYBE go to the gym, bring my ass back home and watch The Learning Channel till about 1pm. Then I would take a nap and get up and start cleaning and cooking till its time to pick up the girls. And I would get my moneys worth so they asses would be the last lil people to be picked up from that daycare facility. I would do this for a good month just so that I can just relax and CHILL for once. These damn kids (and husband) make you TIRED as hell. And this stay at home mom shit has made me feel raggedy as hell. So I would take that month off to be lazy FOR ONCE in my life.
After that month, I would get up and take a bath... lol!
After the bath, I would get a massage, adjustment at the chiropractor and get my hair washed every week at the salon. I would get a personal trainer and lose these rolls on my stomach these girls left behind when i farted them out. I would get a pedicure and Brazilian wax as often as possible. I don't know about the waxing, i just hear that it makes you feel young again. I need anything that is going to do that cause in my 28 years I feel 48.
I would also go to all kinds of doctors and fix everything that needs to be fixed on my body. I'd get everything done. Colon cleansed, coochie checked, MRI's, dental work, YOU NAME it! By the way, I have two babies so don't worry, my coochie has been checked and I'm all good down there.
Then I would sign up for all types of classes. Tennis lessons, vocal, guitar, piano lessons. And then I would get the most expensive camera on the market and take photgraphy classes. Just cause I've always wanted to. And after I take those classes, I would take my knowledge and my fancy camera and take wedding pictures for free for people who can't afford to hire a photographer. But I would just take the pictures and put it on a CD and give it to them. they would have to process the pics on their own. I ain't that generous. And all they would have to do is save me a plate of food and a piece of cake.
After a few months, I would go ahead and use the Chinese Lunar calendar to try and have a son. I don't know why but I have always wanted a BOY! Looks like the only way we'll have one is if we win the jackpot!!
If i won the lottery, I wouldn't do a damn thing. I would put my kids in the finest day care money can pay for and get up every morning, take them to daycare, MAYBE go to the gym, bring my ass back home and watch The Learning Channel till about 1pm. Then I would take a nap and get up and start cleaning and cooking till its time to pick up the girls. And I would get my moneys worth so they asses would be the last lil people to be picked up from that daycare facility. I would do this for a good month just so that I can just relax and CHILL for once. These damn kids (and husband) make you TIRED as hell. And this stay at home mom shit has made me feel raggedy as hell. So I would take that month off to be lazy FOR ONCE in my life.
After that month, I would get up and take a bath... lol!
After the bath, I would get a massage, adjustment at the chiropractor and get my hair washed every week at the salon. I would get a personal trainer and lose these rolls on my stomach these girls left behind when i farted them out. I would get a pedicure and Brazilian wax as often as possible. I don't know about the waxing, i just hear that it makes you feel young again. I need anything that is going to do that cause in my 28 years I feel 48.
I would also go to all kinds of doctors and fix everything that needs to be fixed on my body. I'd get everything done. Colon cleansed, coochie checked, MRI's, dental work, YOU NAME it! By the way, I have two babies so don't worry, my coochie has been checked and I'm all good down there.
Then I would sign up for all types of classes. Tennis lessons, vocal, guitar, piano lessons. And then I would get the most expensive camera on the market and take photgraphy classes. Just cause I've always wanted to. And after I take those classes, I would take my knowledge and my fancy camera and take wedding pictures for free for people who can't afford to hire a photographer. But I would just take the pictures and put it on a CD and give it to them. they would have to process the pics on their own. I ain't that generous. And all they would have to do is save me a plate of food and a piece of cake.
After a few months, I would go ahead and use the Chinese Lunar calendar to try and have a son. I don't know why but I have always wanted a BOY! Looks like the only way we'll have one is if we win the jackpot!!
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