Talk about unFLATtering....

I rarely get to go to the club. But when I do, I always see some foolishness that makes me WISH I had my camera. Luckily for me, this time... I had my camera handy and I got to capture the HOT MESS while it was happening. There were two things in particular that stood out. Here is the first one...

Now you don't ever really think to put white folks in the "Hot Mess" catergory, but I think this would qualify. This chic right here obviously doesn't have much of a support system or ANY friends for that matter. Anyone that remotely cares about this woman would have saw her in this dress and would have said "Becky, you have to make the right choices in life, and because I care about you, I'm strongly suggesting that you don't wear a dress that makes it look like your butt and back are supposed to be the same body part."
You see! It woulda been that simple! And then lil Susy woulda went back into her closet and put on something a lil more appropriate. Something A-OK to wear in 40 degree weather. Being that it was 43 degress in ATL this particular night. I'm just saying...

Speaking of going to the club in 40 degree weather. It's amazing to me how girls will freeze their lil nipples off and stand in line to get in a club wearing nothing but shoe laces on their body. Can't you just wear a coat in line and then take it off when you get inside? There is bound to be one ugly girl in your crew that is going to sit down the whole time and not dance.... so SHE can watch the coats right??? This is all assuming there isnt a coat check of course.

I remember the days when I was in college standing in line... cold as hell... huddling with my girlfriends like homeless people standing next to a fire.... rubbing my exposed shoulder on someones exposed back to create some body heat...... It was CRAZY and ridiculous! But then again... I was 20! It made sense then... but if you're over 21... you should make some better choices. Its either look cute while you're getting loose in the club OR get pneumonia. I know there are some footdraggers out there who would choose the pneumonia....ANYHOW.... onto the next piece of hot mess ....

Raven is schooling me...again!

This is a conversation that Raven and I are having while holding hands and walking through the Walmart parking lot in the rain.

R:  Mommy?...... Where do bald eagles live?

M:  Uhhhhh... I don't know... in trees I guess?!?!

R:  No Mommy. You're wrong! They live in Washington D.C.! Ya know... in the United States?!!?

M:  Well excuse ME! If you knew, then why did you even ask me?

R:  Because... I wanted to see if you knew the answer!

Still walking.... in silence....

R:  Mommy, I think that you should stop working and come to school with me everyday.

M:  How come?

R:  Because... I think you forgot everything you learned when you were in school. Everytime I ask you questions, you always say, "I don't know!" ..........Mommy! What do you know?

Cursing...

I curse! I would say I curse more than the average college educated mother and wife. I curse and I believe in God. Is that so bad? I would really really really love to know who said "shit, fuck and damn" were all bad words. I don't know the bible as well as I should, but I don't believe those words are in there as the words to avoid. Please correct me if I'm wrong.

Although I do curse alot, I know that there is a time and a place for everything. For example, I know not to curse in front of my kids, my parents and priests. I just feel like when you curse it just makes shit sound better. Its like the exclamation point without the exclamation point.

Its not that I have to curse...I just choose to. It hasn't taken away or added anything to my life. BUT...it did get me in this article...http://blisstree.com/feel/want-to-get-happy-first-get-angry/

Itsy Bitsy Spider...

Rhea singing Itsy Bitsy spider! You have to be a complete idiot to not think this is not the cutest thing EVER!!! This is what I DO!..... I breed SUPERSTARS!

Daddy and Raven's Handshake...

Daddy has a serious bond with his girls. He teaches them everything! Here is something that he taught Raven a couple years ago and she still hasn't forgot it. Check out the Kool-Aid smile she gives the camera at the end! Loves it!

Breaking News...

The weapons of mass destruction that George Bush has been looking for all these years have finally been found. Turns out they were in Rhea’s diaper all this time. (Exhibit A attached below.) I seriously hope the government doesn’t come after me because I’ve been harboring a terrorist. I wonder… if they will give me a finders fee. If they do, and they need to take Rhea to do some investigating on her, I might give them a BOGO deal..... and let them take Raven too …. for the right price of course.

OK. OK. I kid. I kid. It’s a joke people! Don’t try to report me to the Dept. of Children of Families. If you do, we’ll be on the first flight outta Georgia and be hanging out in somebodies hut in East Africa… so don’t waste your time.

In all seriousness, I just don’t understand how an adorable two year old, who eats balanced meals can smell like a 60 year old man. It just doesn’t add up! She’s two and I’m STILL not used to it. Every time I change her, I can feel my lil nose hairs burning up like I’m sniffing on a lighter. And then… I can feel my breathing slow down as if my lungs are giving up on me. Something is not right about this. I have been changing diapers for a long time. I know what’s normal and what’s not. And what’s coming out of that lil body… IS NOT.

Why does this bother me?

I'm driving to work... and what do I see? A white man in a pick up truck... in Georgia...with a damn confederate flag...waving all over the damn place! The flag is so big it seems like the red neck is trying to say "Yeah! Ya god darn right I got this big ol flag waving tall and proud! I'm a rebel!"   ....Something about it bothered me. What bothered me more is that I was actually bothered by it.

 This dude has his rights! He can paint his whole damn car the colors of the confederate flag right?  He can have a front plate that says Lynchville and a back plate number that reads NI993R  .....Why should I care?!?!? .... I'm not exactly sure...I just know that I do.   BUT...I bet ya $2 that Billy Ray wouldn't go anywhere NEAR Atlanta with that damn thing on his car! It's cause we live in the sticks he feels he can be bold!

If I see him on the road again, I'll be sure to stare him down and when we make eye contact, I'll stick my tongue out and accelerate really fast and haul ass outta there! I'm bold. Not dumb. .....AND I have seen that movie "A Time to Kill". Billy Ray ain't throwing ME over no bridge!

It's the little things...

When I'm stressing about everything... everything that's really nothing at all...God has a strange way of bringing me back to reality. It's at the most random times that my kids always seem to bring me back to where I need to be...without saying a word.
                             
   Here is one of those times...

Working out?!?!

I have gotten a lot of advice over the years about how I can get fit. I think I might have a slight form of ADHD because I’m not the type of person that can stick to something boring or to ANYTHING for too long. I know people who jog… walk… ride their bike…ride the exercise bike…. Walk the treadmill… go hiking…yoga… Pilates…aerobics and a million other things… I’m trying to figure out something I can do that I will actually enjoy….that will actually motivate me to want to go out there and sweat.


I’ve walked around my neighborhood….Boring. Treadmill… boring….Stairmaster…too much work…yoga…I can’t bust those moves those white ladies do (not that flexible)…. Pilates (one time)…. Came home and threw up. The only thing I haven’t tried is bike riding. I was thinking about getting a bike and riding around my neighborhood but I fear that if I buy one and then don’t use it, my husband, as supportive as he is, will give me the “You bought something else you didn’t use?” look. He won’t say anything about it… but I know he will be thinking it. I know… I can only imagine what he was thinking about all the $$$ spent on the Mary Kay products that are sitting in bedroom…short lived dreams of me cruising in a pink Cadillac.

Anyway, I’m curious about how the majority of people get their sweat on. Maybe I will go with the majority. So…… how do YOU work out?

Don't Judge me...

So my last posting was about my mommy tummy. I got a lot of feedback about that. So many people talking about "Heaven, you should do this... do that.... go jogging... take the kids to the park... wake up early and run... put the kids to sleep and work out to a DVD.....whah.... blah.. blah... whah...." I was overwhelmed. I was thinking... Man that is so much easier said then done. YES! And I know it sounds like excuses I'm making for not working out, but I'd like to call them good explanations with frosting on top... and sprinkles....with fudge drizzled on it.... Damn I sound fat as hell... ANYWAY.. what I'm saying is that I have a really good excuse to not work out. TIME! I know what you're thinking! You have to make time. I once had a friend lose 90 pounds and she told me she made time to work out. She made it fit in the day and it was a must to get it done. She treated it just as important as picking her son up from day care every evening..... Well thats great and everything but I don't think I'm fat enough to have that kind of ambition. Still sounds like excuses huh... I KNOW I KNOW damn it! I just want it to be easy! Why can't I just look like this...

This amazing bitch had 3 kids in like 2 months and looks like this now! And her youngest is like 5 months! Don't you just hate hoes like this! Ok... I'm kidding... she's a pal of mine. But seriously, how does this broad have 3 kids that are all 2yrs and under and wear this dress?!?! Maybe I should I ask her how she does it as opposed to stealing her pic off facebook and posting it on my blog without her permission. Yeah...whatever.

Anyhow, I DID attempt to get up yesterday morning and this morning and work out. 45 minutes yesterday and 30 minutes today. I just walked to this walking DVD the hubby got me from Sam's Club. Yesterday I got a lil sweat in and I was feeling good.... but then.... I had to go to work and be in by noon and didn't get to eat breakfast OR lunch so I had to pick up something on the way to work and then I had to eat lunch at work..... but because I have about 20 minutes to get the lunch and then 46 seconds to eat the lunch at my desk, I had to go with what was fast, cheap and easy.

                       So.... here are my meals for yesterday. Once again...Don't judge me!

Zaxby's for breakfast/lunch on the way to work...of course with a soda to wash it all down. Ya know Zaxby's can be salty! I needed the soda!

And some Subway at my desk for lunch... and YES...that is a 32oz soda.... for the last time. Don't judge me!

Oh and just in case you were wondering, dinner was about 4 bites of the sub that I left behind from lunch. All in a days work...

Who needs a scale when you have a 5 yr old?

One day I was in the kitchen in front of the stove making a meal for the family while talking on the phone. It was a rare warmer day during the winter so I had a wife beater on and some yoga pants. Raven comes into the kitchen and opens the refrigerator to get something to drink and does a double take… and starts staring at my mid-section. She closes the fridge and starts slowly walking towards me like she is trying to creep up on a roach to smash it. She gets real close and takes her index finger and pokes me in my stomach and damn near hits my intestines. She says “Mommy….. Why is your stomach so…BIG!??” I had the cell phone tucked in between my shoulder and ear so it almost landed in the pasta sauce, but I managed to intercept it and tell my homey I would call her back. I hang up and say “Raven… What I told you about talking to me when I’m on the phone?”


“I’m sorry mommy but your stomach is coming out of your pants. Why did it get so big?”

“Well, Raven. My stomach got big because when you were in my tummy and Rhea was in my tummy, my stomach had to stretch and get big to make room for the both of you to grow into strong and healthy babies.”

“Oh ok. (She is quiet and still looking at the stomach.) “But mommy, me and Rhea were in your tummy a long time ago. So how come your stomach is still big? Is it going to go away?”

“It will go away. I just have to exercise and it might go away.”

(Now she is smiling big)…“Well mommy. Maybe you don’t need to exercise. Maybe your tummy is big because there is another baby in there!”

I appreciated her optimism and even though she had no idea of what she was saying, I still wanted to back slap her for callling her Mommy fat.

Perhaps maybe I DO need to work out. Perhaps I do need to lose the tummy. It’s not really a matter of if I can do it. It’s more a matter of WILL I do it. I am so not motivated to work out. There is nothing about working out that excites me. And I know that how I treat my body now WILL affect how my body treats me 30 years from now but STILL… I don’t wanna! I think the reason why I don’t really work out is because I have been able to camouflage the tummy for all these years. I don’t really wear things that accentuate the tummy. I wear loose clothing and I have learned to play it off. I sometimes wish that I would gain a lot of weight EVERYWHERE so the weight will be obvious and people would be like “Wow Heaven, you look… different!” Which means fat of course. And then THAT will make me feel bad enough to work out. Ya think?? Or would I end up on one of these talk shows and say, “I don’t know what happened? It just got out of control! One day I just woke up and realized that I was 600 lbs! Ya know?… I wasn’t always like this Oprah.”

I know I’m lucky and I know I’m still really small for having two kids. (126 lbs to be exact.) But I want to wear certain clothes that I can’t wear cause of the tummy. The tummy makes me feel older than I should and I really AM sick of it. But apparently not sick enough to do something about it. I am not the type of woman that can walk around with fat hanging out on the sides of my pants and shit like that. I cover my flaws up! I don’t want to see my rolls hanging over my pants so I don’t see why anyone else would.

I wish I could say that writing this has motivated me to get my shit together. But it hasn’t. I’m just going to sit here and drink a Pepsi. I’m sure that will make me feel better. Hey! Don’t judge me! It’s 10 am! I COULD pull out some wine instead!

Now I lay me, down to sleep...

Come on! You can hate kids, men or just black people all together... but you HAVE TO admit that this is the cutest thing EVER! Daddy and Rhea saying their prayers. A rare moment that they are actually getting along. Gotta love it!

This is how you save $$$$

The paranoid mom worries about the kids sight when they are watching TV too close. The financially savvy mom lets the kid have the IMAX experience right at home! Have you ever took a family of four to the IMAX theater?!?! We might as well go to Disney World! That crap is expensive!

This is a serious matter...

You would think they have gathered together to watch Obama’s Inaugural speech or something important like that… They were watching a Dora the Explorer Christmas special. Hey! Don’t hate! That Dora drops some serious knowledge! Who needs Spanish class when you got a traveling Mexican with a monkey?!? But seriously though… Dora DID teach Raven how to count from 1 to 10 in espanol!!

Keep the bathroom door CLOSED!!!!

In the past, I constantly had to tell Raven to keep the bathroom door closed because if not, then Rhea would for SURE get into some trouble. Trouble like... cover herself in hair grease, take all the water out of the toilet with a cup and fill up her potty, brush and drench her hair with the toilet brush, squirt chunks of lotion into her mouth and eat it like its yogurt OR.... just eat up all the toothpaste.

Oh yes... she is a handful. Pray for me.

Why fold the laundry?

Why the hell would he fold the laundry? WHY? Why fold the laundry when he can just take a nap on the laundry?...... I guess it makes sense.

High Society... My ASS!

I was sitting in the living room by myself… (something that normally doesn’t happen) … the tv was on and I was flipping the channels (odd feeling… being that I rarely get to even touch the remote) … anyhow, I come across this show called High Society… I only allowed it to play cause right before that, Americas next top model was on and I started daydreaming about “Damn! I can’t believe that Americas next top model has been on for 14 years?!! Doesn’t even seem that long!” Anyhow, so this show comes on in the middle of all this thinking….. and so it’s a new fake reality show… about rich spoiled white folks…. Blah blah blah and one of the “stars” of the show is this stank Courtney Love look alike who is sooooooo rude and sooooo over the top with her drama. The socialite was quoted on Wednesday's debut episode as saying her "friends do tend not to be homosexuals, fat or Jewish people" and that "I use the N word sometimes... and I really think it should be okay to say."


All Imma say about this one is… Please don’t let me run into this ignorant ass broad. I might just slip, fall and bust her skull open with a 40 oz. Im really hoping that she is saying this foolishness cause she know its going to give her bad press…. And in this twisted society, any press (bad or good) is just the press needed to replenish this dumbass girls quickly depleting trust fund. Its amazing how having lots of money makes you more of who you really are. In this case, it makes her the biggest bitch in all of the land. Somebody cancel this show already! DAMN! They take the THE GAME off the air and leave this bullshit up. I just don’t get these Americans.