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Facebook Fast Over

So it’s August 1st and today is not only my mom’s 51st birthday, but it’s also the day I get to log back into Facebook. It’s an hour until midnight and I have yet to log in today. This is very surprising to me because Facebook used to be the first, last and everything in between thing that I did. When I first decided to do this fast, I thought it would be hard and everyday would be a struggle. But as the time came closer to log on, it’s like I wanted to extend the fast to a whole month. It’s been two weeks since I’ve logged on and I actually like the time I’ve had to myself to do other things like… Comb the dreads out of my kid’s hair or read through my 1, 546 unread emails (I only got through 400 of them) or watch a television show or cuddle up on the couch with the laundry or just THINK. Facebook was always the perfect way for me to not think about what I wasn’t accomplishing. Instead, I would just look at what everyone else was accomplishing or fronting like they were accomplishing. I’ve been on the internet several times today and a few times I would make my way to Facebook …and put in my email into the user name and then when I get to the password, I stop and go to a different Web site. I feel like an alcoholic who hasn’t had a drink in a while… opening and closing the cupboard to where all the Seagram’s gin is stashed…

I know you can’t really compare the two but you know what I mean… It’s like I want to… cause it what I’m used to and I feel like I’m missing out. But I DON’T want to because I don’t want to open the flood gates… and go back to where I used to be. Kinda like Paul Abdul’s old song, “Two steps forward and two steps back.” And I want to continue on this path of progression and figure some more things out about myself..... I feel like as entertaining as Facebook can be, in my case, it’s more of a hindrance than entertainment.

Perhaps maybe now that I have been without it for this long, I can manage my time on it better and actually use it for occasional mindless entertainment…… instead of using it as a time wasting escape from reality. Perhaps… the only way to find out is to log on now at 11:24pm and see what time I actually log off…

The lord works in mysterious ways. Hubby just sent me a message saying come to bed….. so perhaps I will find out when I log on tomorrow. Or the next day. Or the day after that.

Street Vernacular

Me and the hubby had a nice evening planned. The nice evening consisted of us eating ice cream in the bed after putting the kids to sleep… and then getting some “man/wife” time….. Which eventually would lead to going to bed by a decent hour so neither one of us would wake up cranky in the morning. And yes, when you’re married with kids, you have to schedule your frisky hour… There is no spontaneity involved; unless you want your kids to catch you with your ass in the air of course… Anyhow, frisky hour (30 minutes MAX for me), was planned out and we were in the bed. I had the laptop in the bed with me and I was checking some emails that were too large to open up earlier on my Blackberry. My friend sent me a YouTube video that me and hubby watched together. After watching this video together, there was no need for frisky hour. After replaying this video several times and laughing ourselves to sleep, we had all the satisfaction we needed for one night. But trust me, I didn’t get off that easy…he made me late for work in the morning…

Here is the video…


Watching this video made me happy and ashamed to be black all at the same time. Black people can be so entertaining and colorful, but yet so inappropriate and disappointing!

At the 40 second mark, the young lady was so matter of fact about her attack… She seemed like she was more annoyed that she had broken glass on her floor than the fact that she almost got raped. She says, “I was attacked by some IDIOT, from out here in the projects!” Well dayum… She said that like it’s an every Thursday night occurrence that some stranger comes through the window and rubs on her booty while she is asleep! But then again, SHE IS… in the projects, so perhaps she’s just grateful that her ear wasn’t grazed by a stray bullet from the drive by the night before… could be… could be not… just a theory.

But what really had my stomach hurting was the SheMan brother who saved the day! He has to be the funniest thing that has ever been posted on Youtube… hands down.

At 59 seconds he says, “Hide ya kids, hide ya wife, AND hide ya husband… cause they rapin errrrrbody out here!” Do you see how black people just be exaggerating??! Whose husband got raped?? What is he talking about? Why does he have to be so extra??

He continues by saying, “You done left finger prints and all!!!! You are so dumb!”… Notice he was stomping his right foot and had his head cocked to the side as he was saying that (replay it and see at 1:22)… and he needed to do all that for emphasis of course. He needed errrybody to know how dumb the rapist is…

And I LOVE the part where he says…

“We GONE find you… I’mma let you know Nah! So you can go and runtellDAT!..... HOMEBOY!”... All that was missing from this video was for him to end it off with a high pitched… “Biyeetch!”

Why can’t black people act right in front of the camera?? Don’t they know that the whites are looking at them and shaking their heads thinking…“We should have left their asses in Africa!”

I understand that if you are ghetto and project you are simply ghetto and project! But if I know how to get right and speak properly in front of people from a different persuasion, I don’t see why this man who looks like a cross between a rat and crack head can’t either… I’m just saying… I’m not saying that you have to front for people and be someone who you aren’t, but I do think that you should be able to adapt to your surroundings and behave accordingly…. Should you not? And THIS is why people from all races, including black people always say, “Now you know black folks don’t know how to act!”

Dave Chapelle said it best when he was being interviewed on some show (can’t remember the show) but he said, “There is a difference between speaking Job Interview and Street Vernacular.” It’s safe to say that buddy in the video is NOT bilingual!

Now RuntellDAT!... Biyeetch!!!

Oh and one final thing… AS IF, this damn video wasn’t already funny enough, someone with some time on their hands made a remix!! I love it!

No sex in the champagne room...

So… I have a homey named Stephan. My homey is a young, black man that has had his fair share of body counts…(basically, women he has had sexual encounters with.) One day, God tells my homey to fold it up, tuck it in and zip it closed… No more nookie for you.

That was 2 and half years ago… Click the link below to listen to the why and how of his choice to live a life of celibacy…

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/heavenwbc/2010/07/28/yo


Questions for Stephan?? Hit him up!

Stephanl_03@hotmail.com

http://www.facebook.com/home.php?#!/profile.php?id=527211929

Facebook Fast...

I’m on Facebook ..... A LOT! I check Facebook all day on my phone while at work… and when I get home from work, I check it again several times on my computer before I go to sleep ….. AND before I go to work, I’m on it again, which usually makes me LATE for work…. Recently, while I was on Facebook, I found myself getting bored. I was thinking, “Damn, ain’t shit going on on Facebook!” And then I had to ask myself, "What are you looking for??" And I didn’t even have an answer! I realized that I’m on Facebook doing nothing at all but wasting valuable, precious time…

What really opened my eyes was when my daughter said “Mommy, why are you always on the computer?” I kept looking at the screen… I heard her… just chose to ignore her…. “Mommy, can you come watch Hannah Montana Forever with me?”

I kept looking at the screen. “Yes, Raven. Just give me a minute…”

She turns away, walks off and says, “I know what that means…. You’re not coming…”

It was the first time I looked away from the screen and I just watched her swing her arms back and forth and throw herself on the couch…

This lil heifer’s words cut me like a knife and she didn’t even know it…And THEN she had the nerve to walk off with an attitude like it was nothing…. Cold blooded!!

It was the shock treatment I needed. It was at that point I realized that I need to get my shit together and deactivate my account for a while. I deactivated it today and made a decision to not log on for the rest of the month…until August 1st. That’s exactly two week. May not seem like a long time, but it’s a long time for someone who has been on Facebook at least once a week, every week, since 2005. That’s a lot of damn time to be spending looking at insignificant people’s pictures and status updates…

I really don’t feel like I will be missing much though… Facebook isn’t the same anymore anyway. I remember the days when Facebook was only for college students and grads that had higher educational institutions email addresses. I actually had to contact my Alma mater and activate my heaven33@ufl.edu email to register and even get onto Facebook…. Back in the day when it was www.thefacebook.com!!

I knew Facebook had gone to hell recently when I was in line at the movie theater getting some popcorn……….. and these two 60+ white women were having a discussion about how tagging pictures works!! I had the itch to deactivate my account at that point, but I never got around to doing it…

I deactivated my account earlier today, at about 3pm eastern time… Since then, I have gotten on my computer and visited different Web sites. But I quickly realized that the majority of my Internet time is spent ON FACEBOOK. So since deactivating the account, I pull up the Internet, go to a few sites and turn off the computer in a matter of 10 minutes or so….

I've always said that people who sit on their computer looking at celeb gossip all day have nothing better to do with their lives… They need to find something to do with themselves… Exercise! Find a hobby! Get a man/woman! Read a book! ......Well, I’m going to take the only advice that I would have ever taken from Michael Jackson and I’m going to look at the woman in the mirror… and make that change.

I’m interested in seeing if fasting from Facebook for the next two weeks is going to help me in anyway, besides give me more time to actually wash dishes/read books/snuggle on couch with kids or even fit in some sex! Regardless of what I do or don’t get out of it, I’m willing to try something new for a change…Change is good. Hey, ya never know! I may never log onto Facebook ever again!.... I highly doubt it but it's a possibility! A small possibility. So... wish me luck!!!! Hopefully by tomorrow I won't be foaming at the mouth and slip into a coma from withdrawl...
Now who’s coming to rehab with me?!?!?!

Parents... Take it from me...

It’s hard as hell to be a good parent and to try to make the right decisions for your children. You can take advise from your parents, or other parents…. or even your friends that don't even have kids, but have a degree in Early childhood, but at the end of the day, you have to do what YOU think is best for your child… Besides, you're the only one that really knows what’s best for your child right??? Unless of course, you are a raggedy ass parent that drops off your kid to your family and friends each and every day because you have weed that needs to be smoked… (And yes I know someone that does that…)

Anyhow, me and my husband try our hardest to be good parents and show our lil divas lots of love….. and we give them enormous amounts of praise, so that hopefully one day they can be strong minded, confident young ladies… We make the smallest accomplishments the BIGGEST deal ever and because of that, they REALLY think they are hot shit! But I much rather them be over confident than to have low self esteem.

 For example, I remember the day Raven ran towards me full speed and screamed, "MOMMY, I just peed on the toilet, I washed my hands WITH soap, ANNNNNND…… I closed the bathroom door afterwards so that Rhea doesn't play with the toilet water…. OH OH… ANNNNNND… when I flushed the toilet, I didn't even put my fingers in my ears!!!!!! Aren't you proud of me???" Right now you're thinking… "fingers in her ears??" What’s up with that right? Well, she has a "thing" about loud noises, so flushing the toilet is just one of those things she rather not do…. The point is, we make a Really big deal out of their small accomplishments and because of this, they think they are the fastest, prettiest, smartest things that have ever walked the planet. And YOU have seen their pictures on this blog so they are OBVIOUSLY the prettiest…I mean duh… they did come out of my pretty business…

But them thinking that they are hot shit can backfire sometimes…

And because we are fairly young parents, I’m willing to admit that we have made some mistakes too. Although we are knowledgeable enough to know that our kids will define themselves according to how we raise them, we realize that some things that we have kept from them, (to protect them) may indeed have actually been GOOD for them…
Here is an example of how keeping away things that you feel are "inappropriate" for a child may end up being a bad choice. We don't allow our kids to watch music videos… pretty much anything on B.E.T… and not because they have the absolute WORST programming out of 6000 channels, but because the videos now a days are a lil bit too much and can be very suggestive! Everything is pretty much soft porn… and all the lil woman on there are thrusting something here or licking something there…. Some girl is kissing another girl… and all types of foolishness…. So we don't let the girls watch B.E.T and that is pretty easy to do since we don't really watch the channel at ALL anyway…. It hasn't been the same since Free and AJ left anyway…. and Rocsi works my LAST damn reserved nerve… Is the bitch black or NOT? So annoying!!

Anyhow, because they don't watch those videos, and because we don't really have opportunities to dance in front of the kids…. AND because I'm too cheap to let a white girl from Albany, Georgia teach my black kids hip-hop at the local dance school…. my girls learn how to dance from the best resources they have, they learn from each other! Along with Disney Channel and SpongeBob Square pants of course. So you can just imagine what they look like when they are dancing right?? As brown as my kids are, when that music comes on, they immediately turn into Becky, Suzy, Sally or Britney. (Which reminds me, Raven boycotted her name for a few months when she was 3… and only wanted to be called Britney.) Do you see what Disney Channel will do to your children??

So the valuable lesson that I learned…. and in turn want other parents to learn, if they haven't already IS…. Let those damn kids watch a few music videos!!!! OR ELSE… they will wind up like this…

This is a video of Raven dancing to one of my hometown's classic songs… Peanut Butter Jelly. Hubby introduced the song to her on youtube.com. The only video he found was a lil banana cartoon dancing to the song… I tried to teach the child the right way to dance to the music…she refused and because we always emphasize to her that she is so GREAT at everything, no matter how retarded she looks or sounds… she wanted to emulate the banana and dance like her name was Suze Anne.

First video is the banana… second video is the monkey we call Raven A.KA. Britney, dancing like the banana.





When she was done dancing she asks, "MOMMY…. Did I do good???" And of course my response to her was… "Raven, you were AMAZING!"

Random Rant - Poop and Skeet

You know what is REALLY annoying to me… What's annoying is taking a long, hot, relaxing shower…..while using all your expensive, smelly good stuff from Bath and Body Works… just sitting in the shower and letting the hot water wash away all the stress from the day... and getting as squeaky clean as possible….. and then coming out into the quiet master bedroom… it's quiet because the kids are asleep of course… and then SLOWLY and gently applying the smelly good lotion that’s the same flavor as the Bath and Body Works shower gel that you just washed with… putting on some comfy,clean pajamas and then.... You have to go poop.


That’s really annoying… ALMOST as annoying as when I do ALL that relaxing stuff and then hubby wants to get frisky….. Getting frisky usually means getting squirted on all over my leg/back/thighs… usually just one of those body parts, not all at the same time though...

And THEN, I have to do all that relaxing stuff all over again… except this time, its NOT relaxing… its annoying, because I have to do it all over again…

And I know one of my many uptight teacher friends is going to read this and send me an email/text saying, "Gosh darn it Heaven! Why are you so vulgar and raunchy?!?!"

And that will be followed by a response like, "Dag nab it! Why are you so uptight and teacher-like?!?!"

Why do people act like they don't pee/poop and have their periods every month? Why do people act like other people don't have sex and get skeeted on occasionally. I'm married AND I'm human AND I live in America! So that means I can have sex, without being judged…...poop without having to hold it in ....and talk about it freely because I the First Amendment right to do so...
Now DO something about it!

Cats and Dogs

This week me and hubby have been into it. Country folks say “into it” which essentially means you are having an “issue” with someone. Well me and hubby are into it this week. Last week, we were loving each other. But this week, I can’t stand him! We go through our phases. Our love and hate weeks…

But this week, I’m the one that is beefing and he is the one with the, “I don’t know what the hell your attitude is for, but I’m not kissing your spoiled African ass, so if you wanna walk round this joint with your nose in the air, that’s fine with me, but bitch you better have my sandwich ready when I’m hungry though…” Of course this is something I’m assuming he is saying in his mind. He is smart enough to not say it out loud. And he better keep it that way unless he wants to see his kids two weekends out the month…

I have been feeling very BLAH this week…. And it’s a laundry list of reasons why I feel this way, but I just really don’t have much time to lay it all out on the table… and at this point, I really just want to be miserable! Let me be miserable damn it! And I just want him to deal with me abusing him and using him as a punching bag! He is my husband! This is what he is there for! Why can’t he just deal with it and be a passive, submissive husband…. DAYUM.

But NO! He wants to stand his ground and act like a thug and be all hard and shit… When we pass each other in the hall way while we are “into it”, we just pass each other and don’t say anything, but since that is so unusual and we ALWAYS say or do something when we pass each other in that lil ass hallway, (ie. Poke him in the butt, or he grabs a left breast, or he tries to clip me so that I will trip)…it’s just a lil strange… to not say anything while passing each other.

In those few seconds while we’re passing each other, it feels like we’re in some dark New York alley… and I’m the clean, elegant lost cat that’s looking for her way back to my owners penthouse, and he is the dingy, raggedy dog with dreaded up dog hair that’s going through the trash looking for his next meal…

And I’m the alley looking at this dingy mutt with my back arched and my face all scrunched up just READY for this mangy animal to come one step closer so I can slice and dice him with one finger…. And the mutt is growling at me with his NASTY saliva mouth… That’s how it feels in those short seconds in the hallway…

I go through these lil funks from time to time and he definitely has his mood swings as well… And he definitely did try to figure out what was wrong with me and I just played it off like nothing was wrong and his questions were annoying me…….but in the middle of the week, I had figured out what was wrong, I was just too prideful to share…

So when he would ask, “Baby, what is wrong with you? Why are you looking like that?”

My response would be, “What’s wrong is that I’m sick and tired of your funky ass not picking up after these dingy ass SOCKS that you keep leaving around this bitch…… so that I can be your personal servant to pick them hoes up! I’m still annoyed as hell that I have to TELL you to take the damn trash out… just take the shit out! You do the same shit week to week…. Why the hell do I have to remind you of this shit EVERY damn week?!?! And if I can see your hairy black ass face, then you should have looked in the mirror by now… So when in the hell are you going to shave that rusty ass beard off your face?? That’s just UGLY!”

And he just stands there… looking like a canon that’s about to explode…and I’m waiting for him to haul off and punch me in my two front teeth… but instead he walks away with his fists clinched… and in my mind I should be thinking, “Oh NO… I really did it now!” but instead, I’m thinking, “F U asshole!! Get yo bitch ass outta here!”….. I know… that’s wrong, but at least I don’t say it out loud… all the time…

The sad reality is I KNOW what’s wrong and I should just say this to him…

“Baby!!!! I wanna go to LA with you next week to the semi-celeb wedding!” (he is a groomsmen for one of his NFL buddies who is marrying a semi-celeb… I guess she would be a celeb in the black community… and the wedding is supposed to be one of those typical over the top weddings…. I mean the DJ for the wedding is Kid Capri for crying out loud! And the bridesmaids are these reality star sisters that are famous for….. I’m not sure what they are famous for, but they are famous….. and my husband may be walking in the wedding with one of the sisters OR one of Lil Wayne’s many baby mamas!) “I wanna go!....I wanna go to see celebs and Kid Capri and fly on a plane for 4 hours to California since I’ve never been and see the stars on the ground in Hollywood and take pictures of EVERYTHING so I can post them on Facebook and front for everyone like I really hang with these people on a regular basis!”

But I can’t go… because I have to work, and I have two daughters that need to be taken care of and we don’t have anyone that we can drop them off to for a few days AND because the plane ticket was too expensive… So I will sit here in Buford, GA and be a well behaved working mom… while he is in LA with all the posers of the world…… that’s alright though… cause soon and very soon… I will be there in LA… and I will be POSER #1!!! And everyone is going to be boo hoo crying because they can’t afford to come to my pleasant upscale event in Boise, Idaho!

But in the meantime, I will be a good mommy to these kids and be a lil nicer to this wonderful man (who just so happened to walk over to me while I was writing this and said, “Since you haven’t done this in a while, I will do it for you.” And then kissed me on my cheek…)

That kiss from my prince just brought me back to reality like the Princesses from the Disney movies… My reality is…. I’m lucky, my life is great and my time will soon come….

Out on the town...

I don't go to the club very often and to be honest, I really don't have much of a desire to go at all. I live about 45 minutes away from all the night life and that commute back and forth is BEAST enough to keep me in the house. Some people think it sucks to live in the burbs.... shittin me... I wouldn't have it ANY other way. I have EVERYTHING I need within a 5 mile radius...including a public school where my child doesn't have to worry about being capped her first day of kindergarten. Yeah I know... she might be one of the only few "brown" kids in her class... but that's fine with me because although there may not be many blacks in her classes, there is a wealth of diversity! Asians, Arabs and the white folks too... that's diverse enough to me. And I don't mind her hanging around the Asians and Arabs anyway.... you KNOW they are good at math and science... I need her to role with them because I was always in remedial math classes... Besides, she gets all the ethnicity she needs from me and her Pappie... If you haven't noticed yet, I can be a tad bit "ethnic"...

Whoa... talk about going off on a tangent... ANYhow, I rarely go out to the clubs here in ATL. I much rather go to a lounge, a friends house, dinner and things of that nature..... Places where you can actually hold a conversation and be social.... I'm a social kinda lady...I don't like to go to raggedy places and locations... I save those raggedy, hole in the wall places for special occasions like..... when a girlfriend comes into town or someone is having a birthday.... I don't want always be in places where people are grabbing your elbow and saying, "Eh gal, let me holla atcha for a minute"...places where you have to worry about where you parked because there are ENTIRELY too many Negros hanging around outside... places where you walk in smelling like Dolce and Gabana and come out smelling like ass and ashtray... I really don't like going to these kinds of establishments at all, but I will definitely go every now and again...
Besides, what the hell does a happily married woman with two kids have ANY business doing in the club every weekend?!? And I'm not saying that if you're married then you shouldn't be clubbing...... all I'm saying is that if you get dolled up and go to the club every weekend and you're not dancing, then you're there looking for something. And as a married woman, I found what I was looking for, so I don't need to be two stepping with a drink in the club every weekend. I much rather be at home every other Saturday night falling asleep on the sofa with this grizzly bear of mine...

WHOA..... another tangent.... my apologies...

Well recently, I went to dinner and the club for my girlfriend's 29th birthday. We went this uppity restaurant and I ordered the breaded chicken... I ordered that because it was the only thing I understood on the menu... $18 for some breaded chicken ......and it didn't even come with some damn mash potatoes! You had to pay six extra bucks for a side of mash! Well I'll be damned... this is why I just go to restaurant chains like Cheesecake Factory! You pay $15 for a meal there, and you have enough left overs to eat for the next 3 days!! My other friend ordered some lamb. THIRTY freakin dollars for some damn lamb... with no sides... I know that the lamb was pretty big but damn, for $30, they coulda thrown some fries on the plate or SOMETHING!

But here is the kicker... Pearl had a yummy red velvet cake that one of her co-workers made for her. They brought the cake to the restaurant so that we could have some after dinner.... DO YOU KNOW... that these fuckers at this restaurants charged TWO DOLLARS per person to cut the cake in the kitchen and serve it on a plate?!??! It was called a "cake dish" fee. What a crock! The host of this birthday dinner was better than me, because I woulda told Tony (or whatever the waiter's name was) to bring me a plastic knife and some paper towels... hell, I would have even went to the bathroom and got some toilet paper to lay the pieces on! And as far as I'm concerned, we didn't even need forks! I'm from Africa... we are used to using our hands to eat our food...

Here is the restaurant... I can't even say the name of this place... Man I tell ya... these ATL black woman sure are siddity! Trying to be all fancy and shit... We could have eaten like kings and gotten drunk off our asses for a fraction of the cost at Applebee's! But it was her birthday, so I guess I understand. Luckily, Pearls significant other was there too and he was gracious enough to pay the bill! That was the highlight of my night! Because I ordered like THREE cokes and you KNOW places like this DO NOT give free refills...

Anyhow, off to the club we go... we drove around to a few places and couldn't decide where we were going... All that driving around and looking for a place to have a good time made me realize that I'm getting old. I was nodding off and trying to pretend like I was really engaged in conversation... I was so tired that I felt like I was going to slip into a coma.....  we eventually landed in this place called LIVE, and it was far from that... The only thing that was live about this place was all the koonery and bafoonery I was able to capture on my camera while I was there... Here are the pics with a brief description to explain the madness.

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Look at this shit... This woman was on the dance floor dancing by herself to a slow jam... Bending over, opening her legs and letting everyone get front and back shots of her bidness... Just LOOK at her crotch... doesn't it just look like it would smell like expired milk??... weeks later and miles away from that club..........and I can still smell it... And now, I have an overwhelming desire to take a shower. GROSS!

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And look at this L-A-M-E-O and Lame-O was his Name-O! How DARE you come in the club with this extra young smedium shirt, cargo shorts, dirty white sneakers AND some Men In Black shades on??? And he has the nerve to keep the shades on in the dark ass club AND read a text message!?!?! Dude.... take your ass home to your wife and kids... you're trying too hard...

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 Next picture.....This is a sign of someone that needs a hug, a pastor or a male figure in their lives.

Whose child is this in the club??? Matter of fact, whose MAMA is this in the club?? There is nothing wrong with people backing it up and shakin something... but ya girl right here??!?.... She wanted EVERYONE to know... that she knows how to twirk something...     And look at buddy......he really thinks he is doing something special...

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NEXT.............He might as well have pulled out the condom right there in front of everyone right??

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She's still going!!! She's like the energizer bunny! Buddy got off the ride and she's still going at it!

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Now this is just sad. This is her desperate attempt to lure another guy to jump on it....

No one else did though... I assume the last guy that was on her notified the other dudes about the unusual smell on his pants... perhaps??

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I don't know how you women do it... I'm not a shoe freak like other women. Comfort will always comes before cuteness for me... This poor women in the picture was cute as hell, but was constantly having to adjust her shoes... and pretty much stayed still all night long! I don't need to work this hard and walk on stilts to be fabulous...cuteness comes easy for me...

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Look at this poor woman and how she was gripping and holding on to dear life to the bar! This man was all over her ass and tits and every other body part... She just stood there was obviously not enjoying the experience! And he kept dancing/groping harder and getting more aggressive.... probably assuming that she liked it. I'm sure he would have let her go if she just simply .... walked away. The only attempt she made to defend herself was when he pulled her dress up and she pulled it back down. I felt so bad for her and didn't understand why she was allowing him to do a lightweight sexual assult on her when there was so many people around. I wanted to help her out but if I did, then I probably would have missed out on this picture!

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Now look at this foolishness below. This is why the whites don't need to be hanging around blacks! We are a bad influence!! ... This woman was in the club with some of her black friends. She was obviously drunk off her ass. She was dancing like she was having sex with the air! And then she proceeded to remove her panties in the club!! Yes! It's true! I tried to elbow some people out of the way to capture the moment when she actually removed her panties right there on the dance floor...... in front of everyone else....... but I could only capture this part.... the part where she is bending over and showing the world her cervix! I mean, she has a nice butt and everything, but it's still a 40 something year old white woman's ass! There is a time and place for this... and this hole in the wall of a club was NOT the place and me having a camera in my hand was obviously NOT the good time for her... Where ever you are 40 year old white lady, I hope you're sober now and you've learned your lesson............ keep away from the blacks! They are NO GOOD I tell ya!!!

 (This IS a joke people... ligthen up!)

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And finally, the image that seemed to disturb and confuse me the most. After I got home, I kept looking at the picture over and over again. I was thinking and trying to figure out what was worse. A man in a wheelchair in an establishment like this....... OR, that I got to see a real life black Leprechaun...... still thinking....

OK! OK!........ YES! I know that was super mean... I just couldn't help myself! Now everyone bow your heads and pray that none of these people come to the suburbs looking for me!!!

Cheese and Roaches...

If you look closely at this picture, you'll see a bright light on my chest. If you allow yourself to think with your eyes, then you would be fooled into thinking that the sun was shining through the window onto my necklace and making the bright reflection. But a wiser man would know that the light is actually my heart beaming with love for this man that I call my husband. Cheesy??? Yeah... I know! But there is something about this love and companionship that I share with this dude that makes me care less what anyone thinks about the cheesiness! We DO cheesy! Cheesy fries, Nacho Cheese… even grilled cheese sandwiches…. We DO cheesy all day! It's who we are and I wouldn't have it any other way. It took some TIME to get the texture and consistency of this cheese JUST right!!…So when people call me cheesy, (and they usually do)...I don't mind at all...

I used to worry about saying good things about our partnership openly, for fear that some old, dusty flames would come creeping out of moldy rocks and try to rain on my parade (he IS a former athlete and sometimes you have to think about those things) ... but then a Bible thumping friend of mine reminded me of a scripture..."What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate."

... And besides, in the wise words of the R&B one hit wonder, Mokenstef, "Bitch, he's mine! You may have had him once! But I got him ALL the time!" The song didn't really say 'bitch', but I thought it was a nice touch for emphasis purposes.

The subject of hoes and athletes brings me to a related subject. I remember after I graduated college and moved back home to Miami, I delivered my first daughter. My baby daddy was traveling from Indiana to Jacksonville to Miami frequently because he was playing pro ball at the time .In the middle of all this, I joined Facebook early 2005 and I reunited with some folks from college. I was messaging one girl in particular back and forth as we were updating each other on our lives. She was still in undergrad, and I had been out a year. Our catching up was going well, …. until she pissed me off with a message that was kinda like this,

"Girl, I don't know how you do it! You are a very strong person. To have to deal with all the things that you deal with... And you are still hanging on and standing by your man." I wanted to respond like this, "What the hell is you talking about?? Bitch, do you know something about my man that I don't know??".... Instead, my response was, "I'm not understanding you. What do you mean by "things I have had to deal with"... Her response..."Well, with your man playing at Florida and now in the NFL, I can imagine the things that he might be doing."

This is how I wanted to respond to her dumb ass "concern" and "admiration" for me, …... "Because you're ugly, 23 years of age, and have never had a boyfriend, I could understand why you would assume crazy shit like that. But a grown woman who has experienced life, love and heartaches in the past knows what a true relationship is about. A grown woman also knows better than to assume shit about someone else's relationship and actually express those ASSumptions out loud. Since you haven't had the opportunity to have a boyfriend, much less a first kiss, let me educate you on the facts of life. A mans profession/ hobbies doesn't dictate how deceptive he is going to be to his companion. If its in a mans heart to step out on his relationship, then it doesn't matter if he is a CEO, garbage man, Senator, math teacher, astronaut, janitor, or a priest that's feeling up on a 10 year old boy's lil balls...
All people (not just men) are capable of deceiving their companion. Temptation is everywhere and sluts/hoes/home wreckers are EVERYWHERE! I can't follow after each and every roach with a flip flop and CRUNCH them into the ground whenever they get too close to my man. Its my mans job to crunch the roaches on his own! He needs to carry his own damn flip flop... And that flip flop is really just symbolic for carrying around his love, respect and loyalty for me. He should carry it everywhere he goes because you never know when a roach with full lips and a big booty is going to pass by or be lurking behind a corner! And although she might be tempting, at the end of the day... She's a ROACH!!!! And you know what they say about roaches! Them hoes don't DIE.. They multiply! Roaches come in all sizes, shapes and colors…. Shit… YOU might be a damn ROACH! Writing this stupid shit to me…. And we NOT even cool like that for you be bringing up my damn boyfriend in the first damn place!!!! But anyhow, ugly girl… the point is… ... No matter what the profession the man holds, just KNOW that there will always be roaches and several other different kinds of sea urchins and parasites crawling around him. You can't a control that man and you can't control a pest. All you can do is control your self!!!!!"

I didn't say all of that to the ugly girl though….... Instead, I just never responded to her last message... And let her continue to assume the worst for me. It made sense why she was so negative though. Her lack of experience was the reason why she was SO ignorant. And her ugliness was the reason for her lack of experience... Yeah... I know that's mean. But it doesn't take away from the fact that it's true….

This is my testimony, and hopefully by now, ugly girl has had the opportunity to have one of her own…

Here is a video of Mokenstef's one and only hit from the early 1990's. It's a bit disturbing, (especially the first line in the first verse) but it was a catchy song to jam to at the time...

What's a Crush... according to Raven...

Who is teaching your children about the basics to life? Here is a valuable lesson that Raven learned without Mommy or Daddy's help... a lesson that we should have taught her but never thought to do so because of her young age... Never underestimate your children's capacity for knowledge...

Click link to take a listen....

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/heavenwbc/2010/06/21/mommy-crush-is

Lose, lose situation...

You know what sucks a fat ass… Punk ass MOTHER NATURE sucks ass!!! How is it that I'm old enough for gray hairs, varicose veins on my legs, a mommy tummy and wrinkles around my eyes, but still young and ripe enough to still have my monthly period, pimples AND braces… Ain't that some BULLSHIT?!? From looking at the picture on the right, you might be saying... "But Heaven, you look AMAZING!!"  I know, I know! But trust me, this is a once every 4 months.....it's someone's birthday, so I have to wear make-up day.

Rhea is on my side... she thinks that's some BULL too...

Stuck.... in my own cloud...

Do you ever find yourself on the Internet... Facebook, blogs, celebrity sites, your inbox, My space... (who really uses My space??).... But do ever find yourself on the Internet doing absolutely NOTHING... Just looking for STUFF... stalking the web like a junkie looking for his next fix...jumping from profile to profile.. aimlessly.. looking for nothing in particular... late at night.. early in the morning... while at work??

I realized that lately, I do that more and more and more... Recently, I had to ask myself, "Self... What are you looking for???" And I realize that I MAY... just MAY be looking for something that I feel like I'm missing...but looking aimlessly because I don't know what that SOMETHING is just yet... It's such an unsettling feeling... And I think I navigate the great WORLD WIDE WEB because its supposed to be the source for everything. Need a restaurant? Need a job? Need a car? Need to contact someone?

EVERYTHING is now on the internet. But I also think that the web is also hindering me from getting to the core of what might be missing... because its the best/most convenient/time killing distraction ever .. EVER... ever created...

I wonder .. I truly wonder... What would have happened and where I would be in life right now if.... For every time I opened up facebook, I opened up the GOOD book... or if... every time I responded to a text/bbm, I said thank you GOD.... for nothing in particular but just thank you.................... OR if I took all the time I spent worrying about THIS and THAT, and invested it in just living and being happy in my moment, regardless of the moment...

What I really wonder is... where I would be if...... for every minute I spent writing/editing this blog for you to read...instead, I spent the time in my room, on my knees.... talking to HIM about what may be missing...
Man OH man... If I combined ALL the time and things I do... that waste time and distract me...... and used that towards building a stronger/healthier relationship with God/Spirituality... I GUARANTEE... I woulda been Jesus Executive Assistant by now...

Bees don't Cake, my sunshine away!

This is the song I sing to my girls when I lay them down to bed. I don't sing it to them EVERY night. I save it for those special nights... The nights where there is something moving in the closet, or Rhea keeps moving around in her sleep and waking Raven, or Raven keeps snoring and waking up Rhea... Basically, I sing this song to them when they have come out into the living room a thousand times, saying that they can't go to sleep for one reason or another...I sing this song about 4 times in a row and rock them back and forth (even the big one)... and it USUALLY works like a charm!! They stay in bed and eventually, are knocked out.

 Here is Rhea's version of the song... Don't be surprised if you see her on stage one day... singing to a 50 year old Beyonce that's been crowned as an Icon.

Jungle Fever...

We were eating pizza when this little boy passes by the glass window. He starts making silly faces through the window and Raven starts playing along. This is an example of two things... First thing is, children have the purest hearts. Only children can be complete strangers and play like this. The second thing this is an example of is... There are some raggedy ass parents on this planet. Where was his mom while he was running up and down the plaza sidewalk? At the end of the plaza talking to a friend...smoking a cigarette. And people try to report ME to Children and Families Dept?? But back to the picture above... Isn't it sooo cute??!?!

Landon is a mermaid...And he is a boy!

When Rhea isn't driving me up the wall, she's actually quite entertaining! This video is one of the many reasons why I haven't sold her on Ebay yet. I LOVE the fact that there's only 3 people who can really understand what she's saying... her dad, her sister and me! Enjoy this random moment right before bed time between mother and daughter...

Deadly combo...

What do you get when you combine RHEA with... an Orange flavored Crayola marker?

Here is Rhea... (cute, isn't she?)

Here is the orange flavored marker... (notice the tip of the marker)

Here is what those two things above equal when you combine them.

DISASTER!!!

If you look closely, you will see the tears starting to form in her eyes... the nerve. Luckily for Rhea, Crayola is smart enough to make non-toxic crayons for the greedy ass kids in the world like this one that will REALLY chew the marker and suck on it like its an orange flavored Popsicle. I bet there are some people out there who really think I allowed her to do this JUST so that I could post it on my blog. If that's what you're thinking... KILL yourself you dummy! I would never do that! BUT... I sure will take a picture of it before I clean her off so that I can indeed post this foolishness. There was no need to rush to clean her off... the damage was already done! If I saw this picture and it was someone elses kid, the first thing I would think is, "Where the hell was mommy, while the baby was eating the damn thing?!?!" This child quick and sneaky! At any moment, she is up to something! Give me break people! I do need moments to myself to take a dooce and stalk folks on facebook ya know!

Playas F**k Up...

I like Chris Brown A LOT. And not cause he is a cutie...(although he is a cutie)...but I like him because he  is TALENTED! Did you hear/read that? Talented! And in this day in age... and this current music industry that is putting out "talent", its hard to find a young man like this... one that can act, sing AND dance well.

So why is it that people keep saying that his career is over? Just cause he slapped around some Frankenstein head girl??!?!? I don't understand this! Playas fuck up! And I'm not at all condoning or defending this mans actions...YES, he was wrong... ALL I'm saying is... You have people out there like Robert Downey Jr. who will be cracked out one week, in rehab the next week, winning an Academy Award two weeks later and in that same night, he'll sign a mega million dollar deal to film another blockbuster movie!!! What's that about? Why haven't we boycotted Mr. Downey? Because he didn't beat a woman? A crime is a crime is a crime!

SO...... if Robert Downey, Charlie Sheen and Keifer Sutherland can ALL be over the age of 40 and keep messing up throughout their lives and are still given the opportunity to excel in their careers, then why not CHRIS??? Why.... Cause Everybody Hates Chris... that's why! Give the young brother a chance!

Although, Chris does have a song called "Superhuman", he is far from that. He is human just like us. He made a mistake. If the lord has forgiven him then why can't everybody else? Perhaps because he is a bad role model to children? That's bullshit and that's the reason why so many damn kids are jacked in brain now... Because parents expect Rihanna, Chris Brown, Tiger Woods and Shaq to be role models to their children when the actual parent should be the damn role model! There is no greater influence on a child like the influence in the home. So when your kids go to school shooting people up, you can't blame Metallica... blame your damn self! I would!

Here are some new songs from Mr. Brown. You may NOT respect his mistakes, but you have to respect the talent. RESPECT THE TALENT!!!!!

Poor Obama...

AS IF... Obama didn't already have all that shit Bush left behind to clean up.... Now he has to clean up BP's oil spill?? DAYUM... Give this dude a break! NO WONDER he keeps smoking those damn Newports! My dude is stressed!

DELTA...

You gotta know that this jacked up economy is shit outta luck when you fly Delta Airlines and they charge you $25.00 for your lil ass bag that was just a lil too big to carry on, but just the right size to charge your ass!!!! … And THEN you have sit in these lil ass seats… even too small for someone like myself who weighs less than 130 pounds!

I can just IMAGINE what overweight folks go through!!! Did the airline folks miss the memo that we are the fattest nation in the world??!?!? Can we please accommodate the bigness? It's like they are saying, "We don't care about customers being comfortable on a 3 hour plane ride! We need to fill this plane up with as many seats as possible to get the most bang for our buck!" The NERVE! They want Americans to lose weight to fit in these lil ass seats?!? How inconvenient is that?!!?

Anyhow, they have me sitting in this lil ass seat that doesn't even allow me any room to even take my jacket on and off without constantly bumping into the uptight, corporate America, white dude next to me about four or five times. He doesn't look at me ONCE, ...but as he is reading his paper, his facial expressions seem to change with the slightest movement in the direction of his foot and a half seat space. I can tell what he is thinking too. "Nigga, if ya bump me one more time, I'm going to have call Master Sir on your ass!" And I really don't mean to invade his territory but I HAVE to keep taking this damn jacket on and off! Why?.... Because when I got on the plane, I was burning up, now we're in the air… and I damn near lost a toe from frost bite! WHO is controlling the AC in this Bitch?!?! Make up your damn mind already!

But here is the kicker... this attendant/stewardess (I don't know what they call them nowadays)... she hands me this lil ass bag of what you would assume to be peanuts... but the damn bag was so small that I was thinking, "Why is this lady handing me a wet towelette? Is Delta really about to serve some ribs on the flight? Now THIS might be worth my $25.00!"
But no.... it was indeed a lil ass bag of peanuts. Except this bag is about half the size it usually is. I opened the bag, poured out the nuts into the palm of my hand and they all just sat there in the center of my palm looking pitiful. The peanuts themselves even looked hungry! I bring my hand to my mouth and knock all the peanuts back all at once. I had to shake my head... These people gave me a damn shot of peanuts...and not even a hand full ... a center of my lil ass palm full... and trust me... I have lil hands!

So... they charge $25.00 to bring panties, two pair of jeans and toothbrush in a bag that was "just a lil too big" for carry on and THEN only give me 12 peanut halves?!?! And THIS is the America we live in?!?! I can't even get my 24 peanuts anymore?

Oh well, ... I shoulda known better than to fly with an airline named DELTA! Oooo-opps!

Best part of waking up...

The best part of waking up... is NOT Folgers in my cup.... Its when I wake up and it's a Saturday morning... and I realize that the kids are still asleep!!!! And I get to sleep for another 30 minutes or so...
.. It's just the lil things in life that I treasure!

I remember the days in college when I would wake up SLOWLY. I would wake and fall and wake and fall until I was awake all the way... and then I would just lay there for a while and just THINK... Until I was forced to get up because my bladder couldn't hold the pee any longer. But after I would pee, I would jump right back into the bed... And then turn the TV on ...and watch boring Saturday morning shows for another hour or so. MAN! Those were the good ol days!! How I miss them!

But now, I wake up to the sweet sounds of, "MoMMy! I poop!" .... Usually between 7:00 and 7:30am. When Rhea wakes up in the morning, me or her dad HAS to get up and entertain her. If not, she is bound to get into some trouble. Ran is an early riser so he usually takes her into the living room, gives her breakfast and hangs out with her until I wake up a lil while later.
Raven on the other hand was they type of toddler that would sit down and watch a whole two hour movie and not move a muscle. So when she used to get up in the mornings, (before Rhea was even around, of course), we used to just put the TV on and lay her in between us and go right back to sleep! And she would actually stay in that same position ...

But Rhea... Nah... She's not sitting still for nobody!
 She is going to be on the bed, off the bed, out of the room, slam the door, knock on the door because now she is locked out, back in the room, opening the night stand, slamming her finger in the night stand, going to other night stand on the other side of the bed with her hand in the air screaming, "BAND AID!!!!" She is literally ALL OVER the place.

So one of us HAS to be up to make sure she isn't turning the fire place on, washing Barbie's hair in the toilet or digging into the power outlet with a pen.

Last Friday, me and Ran went to bed really late and so when Rhea woke up Saturday morning like she usually does... we both stayed half asleep while she did her normal running around. When all of a sudden, I realized that she was quiet for what seemed like more than 10 minutes...and if that child is quiet, there is trouble brewing. I jumped up out of my half sleep and screamed, "Rhea!"...

I heard her at the bottom of our bed say, "Huh?!" And it was a bad "huh"... I could tell. The kind that meant, please don't come over here and see what I'm doing Mommy! I got out of the bed and walked around the bed and WHAT was this lil heffer doing....????
She found my MAC, Paint Pot make up. Now, Paint Pot isn't any regular make up. It sticks! Like paint! When you put it on, you really have scrub to get it off. What did she do with it you ask?? Well, look for yourself.

And you have the NERVE to look all sad and pitiful like you're getting abused at home!! Don't be sad now! You the one that did it! I'm just documenting every lil thing you have done to drive me crazy so that when YOUR child is driving YOU up the wall one day, I'll have the evidence to prove that you deserve it!

Brandy Norwood

I believe that Brandy Norwood is one of the most underrated singers out there. I have every single one of her albums that she has made and I can honestly say that ALL of them have been outstanding except maybe one. Her voice is so pure and soothing to me. People hate on her all the time and I'm not exactly sure why. Go on You Tube and check her out while she is singing live. The broad IS talented. Period.

 One of my favorite songs of hers was on her latest album. This song is the ultimate, "I need to change my life... what I am doing.... I'm ready for change!" kinda song. Whenever I'm in thinking mode, this is what I'm jamming to. Its called, "Something is Missing"...... Listen Up

BIRTH CONTROL !!!

I have used just about every kind of birth control out there that is available to women. Tried the Patch... for about 24 hour...and that was the worst sickness I EVER experienced! My body totally rejected it. It felt like my brain was rattling around in my head.

 I also tried the Depo Shot and I had my cycle for about 8 months. EIGHT flippin months of the drip! Can you believe that?! What's the point? I couldn't even hunch anyone! And then the few times I actually did have sex, it felt like I was getting freaky with a hair brush. It sucked all the juice out of my Vejay-jay. It was the true example of dry humping. NOT a good feeling at all! And so then I had to get some Astroglide stuff to make the sexual experience a lil more bearable, but it was STILL painful!  BTW... FYI..... AstroGlide is the JUMPOFF!!!! I've never tried KY Jelly, but I hear its better than KY........  So you're asking why I kept getting the shot, right? Well, I got it the first time, and that lasted 3 months..... and then when I went back to the doctor, he suggested I give it another try because.... "my body needed to get used to it". Shot number 2 was the last shot needless to say.

I've also tried the Mirena.. ya know... the lil gadget they insert in your cervix? Well, although it was convenient and all, cause I never had to worry about it until 5 years after having it inserted, I was an EMOTIONAL wreck! I really felt like I was going to kill myself along with these kids. I had it inserted when baby #2 was about 2 months ......so you can just imagine what that did for my postpartum right? ?!?!Being emotionally all over the place along with being sleep deprived is a deadly combo.  Deadly for the baby, not me.....I was just SOOOO crazy while I had it in. Like that mean old lady that yells random shit at you every time you pass by her window????.... yeah that was me.

It also made me break out ALL the time. I'm talking about those lil heat bump looking pimples. Sixteen year old acne in your late 20's???   .... Not a good look.

Another thing it did was completely suck the all the Libido out of me. Mirena was NOT the husbands friend at all. He had plenty of late night rendezvous with PALMela while I was on that Mirena CRAP!Also, it gave me these abnormal/uncomfortable pains in my pelvis. Well, one day after mentioning all my issues with the Mirena to the kids babysitter... she told me that she was in the hospital having emergency surgery on her hip because of the Mirena!!!!! Needless to say... I had that bad boy removed the next week!

For a while, me and hubby have been playing hot potato and doing the whole...."Ok, I'm ready.. MOVE!!" kind of birth control .......but that is way TOO risky!  And I sooooo don't want anymore kids at this moment in life.

No need to take any chances AGAIN, so I decided to get on the OrthoTriCyclon Lo Pill. I can't tell you how many times I have been on and off this damn pill. I am so horrible with remembering to take it. I will  go through the first week and then one day I will realize, "Oh shit!! It's been 3 days since I took the damn pill!!!! Ahhhh HELL... now I have to wait till next month!!"

Last month was the FIRST month in about 3 years that I finished a whole pack of pills. I still didn't really take it the way I should though, just MUCH BETTER than usual. The doctor told me that because I have the low dose, I REALLY need to be taking it at the same time EVERYDAY! I set my alarm for it every day at 9am, but I still manage to put it off until noon or so. I need to get it together.

Now even though I have been on every damn contraceptive under the son... I have learned that the BEST birth control that works for me is pictured below.



LOVE my sweet Rhea to death, but a good portion of the time, she drives me APPLES and BANANAS! She is the sweetest, cheapest and most effective birth control available on the market!!!!!