Out on the town...

I don't go to the club very often and to be honest, I really don't have much of a desire to go at all. I live about 45 minutes away from all the night life and that commute back and forth is BEAST enough to keep me in the house. Some people think it sucks to live in the burbs.... shittin me... I wouldn't have it ANY other way. I have EVERYTHING I need within a 5 mile radius...including a public school where my child doesn't have to worry about being capped her first day of kindergarten. Yeah I know... she might be one of the only few "brown" kids in her class... but that's fine with me because although there may not be many blacks in her classes, there is a wealth of diversity! Asians, Arabs and the white folks too... that's diverse enough to me. And I don't mind her hanging around the Asians and Arabs anyway.... you KNOW they are good at math and science... I need her to role with them because I was always in remedial math classes... Besides, she gets all the ethnicity she needs from me and her Pappie... If you haven't noticed yet, I can be a tad bit "ethnic"...

Whoa... talk about going off on a tangent... ANYhow, I rarely go out to the clubs here in ATL. I much rather go to a lounge, a friends house, dinner and things of that nature..... Places where you can actually hold a conversation and be social.... I'm a social kinda lady...I don't like to go to raggedy places and locations... I save those raggedy, hole in the wall places for special occasions like..... when a girlfriend comes into town or someone is having a birthday.... I don't want always be in places where people are grabbing your elbow and saying, "Eh gal, let me holla atcha for a minute"...places where you have to worry about where you parked because there are ENTIRELY too many Negros hanging around outside... places where you walk in smelling like Dolce and Gabana and come out smelling like ass and ashtray... I really don't like going to these kinds of establishments at all, but I will definitely go every now and again...
Besides, what the hell does a happily married woman with two kids have ANY business doing in the club every weekend?!? And I'm not saying that if you're married then you shouldn't be clubbing...... all I'm saying is that if you get dolled up and go to the club every weekend and you're not dancing, then you're there looking for something. And as a married woman, I found what I was looking for, so I don't need to be two stepping with a drink in the club every weekend. I much rather be at home every other Saturday night falling asleep on the sofa with this grizzly bear of mine...

WHOA..... another tangent.... my apologies...

Well recently, I went to dinner and the club for my girlfriend's 29th birthday. We went this uppity restaurant and I ordered the breaded chicken... I ordered that because it was the only thing I understood on the menu... $18 for some breaded chicken ......and it didn't even come with some damn mash potatoes! You had to pay six extra bucks for a side of mash! Well I'll be damned... this is why I just go to restaurant chains like Cheesecake Factory! You pay $15 for a meal there, and you have enough left overs to eat for the next 3 days!! My other friend ordered some lamb. THIRTY freakin dollars for some damn lamb... with no sides... I know that the lamb was pretty big but damn, for $30, they coulda thrown some fries on the plate or SOMETHING!

But here is the kicker... Pearl had a yummy red velvet cake that one of her co-workers made for her. They brought the cake to the restaurant so that we could have some after dinner.... DO YOU KNOW... that these fuckers at this restaurants charged TWO DOLLARS per person to cut the cake in the kitchen and serve it on a plate?!??! It was called a "cake dish" fee. What a crock! The host of this birthday dinner was better than me, because I woulda told Tony (or whatever the waiter's name was) to bring me a plastic knife and some paper towels... hell, I would have even went to the bathroom and got some toilet paper to lay the pieces on! And as far as I'm concerned, we didn't even need forks! I'm from Africa... we are used to using our hands to eat our food...

Here is the restaurant... I can't even say the name of this place... Man I tell ya... these ATL black woman sure are siddity! Trying to be all fancy and shit... We could have eaten like kings and gotten drunk off our asses for a fraction of the cost at Applebee's! But it was her birthday, so I guess I understand. Luckily, Pearls significant other was there too and he was gracious enough to pay the bill! That was the highlight of my night! Because I ordered like THREE cokes and you KNOW places like this DO NOT give free refills...

Anyhow, off to the club we go... we drove around to a few places and couldn't decide where we were going... All that driving around and looking for a place to have a good time made me realize that I'm getting old. I was nodding off and trying to pretend like I was really engaged in conversation... I was so tired that I felt like I was going to slip into a coma.....  we eventually landed in this place called LIVE, and it was far from that... The only thing that was live about this place was all the koonery and bafoonery I was able to capture on my camera while I was there... Here are the pics with a brief description to explain the madness.

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Look at this shit... This woman was on the dance floor dancing by herself to a slow jam... Bending over, opening her legs and letting everyone get front and back shots of her bidness... Just LOOK at her crotch... doesn't it just look like it would smell like expired milk??... weeks later and miles away from that club..........and I can still smell it... And now, I have an overwhelming desire to take a shower. GROSS!

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And look at this L-A-M-E-O and Lame-O was his Name-O! How DARE you come in the club with this extra young smedium shirt, cargo shorts, dirty white sneakers AND some Men In Black shades on??? And he has the nerve to keep the shades on in the dark ass club AND read a text message!?!?! Dude.... take your ass home to your wife and kids... you're trying too hard...

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 Next picture.....This is a sign of someone that needs a hug, a pastor or a male figure in their lives.

Whose child is this in the club??? Matter of fact, whose MAMA is this in the club?? There is nothing wrong with people backing it up and shakin something... but ya girl right here??!?.... She wanted EVERYONE to know... that she knows how to twirk something...     And look at buddy......he really thinks he is doing something special...

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NEXT.............He might as well have pulled out the condom right there in front of everyone right??

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She's still going!!! She's like the energizer bunny! Buddy got off the ride and she's still going at it!

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Now this is just sad. This is her desperate attempt to lure another guy to jump on it....

No one else did though... I assume the last guy that was on her notified the other dudes about the unusual smell on his pants... perhaps??

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I don't know how you women do it... I'm not a shoe freak like other women. Comfort will always comes before cuteness for me... This poor women in the picture was cute as hell, but was constantly having to adjust her shoes... and pretty much stayed still all night long! I don't need to work this hard and walk on stilts to be fabulous...cuteness comes easy for me...

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Look at this poor woman and how she was gripping and holding on to dear life to the bar! This man was all over her ass and tits and every other body part... She just stood there was obviously not enjoying the experience! And he kept dancing/groping harder and getting more aggressive.... probably assuming that she liked it. I'm sure he would have let her go if she just simply .... walked away. The only attempt she made to defend herself was when he pulled her dress up and she pulled it back down. I felt so bad for her and didn't understand why she was allowing him to do a lightweight sexual assult on her when there was so many people around. I wanted to help her out but if I did, then I probably would have missed out on this picture!

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Now look at this foolishness below. This is why the whites don't need to be hanging around blacks! We are a bad influence!! ... This woman was in the club with some of her black friends. She was obviously drunk off her ass. She was dancing like she was having sex with the air! And then she proceeded to remove her panties in the club!! Yes! It's true! I tried to elbow some people out of the way to capture the moment when she actually removed her panties right there on the dance floor...... in front of everyone else....... but I could only capture this part.... the part where she is bending over and showing the world her cervix! I mean, she has a nice butt and everything, but it's still a 40 something year old white woman's ass! There is a time and place for this... and this hole in the wall of a club was NOT the place and me having a camera in my hand was obviously NOT the good time for her... Where ever you are 40 year old white lady, I hope you're sober now and you've learned your lesson............ keep away from the blacks! They are NO GOOD I tell ya!!!

 (This IS a joke people... ligthen up!)

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And finally, the image that seemed to disturb and confuse me the most. After I got home, I kept looking at the picture over and over again. I was thinking and trying to figure out what was worse. A man in a wheelchair in an establishment like this....... OR, that I got to see a real life black Leprechaun...... still thinking....

OK! OK!........ YES! I know that was super mean... I just couldn't help myself! Now everyone bow your heads and pray that none of these people come to the suburbs looking for me!!!

Cheese and Roaches...

If you look closely at this picture, you'll see a bright light on my chest. If you allow yourself to think with your eyes, then you would be fooled into thinking that the sun was shining through the window onto my necklace and making the bright reflection. But a wiser man would know that the light is actually my heart beaming with love for this man that I call my husband. Cheesy??? Yeah... I know! But there is something about this love and companionship that I share with this dude that makes me care less what anyone thinks about the cheesiness! We DO cheesy! Cheesy fries, Nacho Cheese… even grilled cheese sandwiches…. We DO cheesy all day! It's who we are and I wouldn't have it any other way. It took some TIME to get the texture and consistency of this cheese JUST right!!…So when people call me cheesy, (and they usually do)...I don't mind at all...

I used to worry about saying good things about our partnership openly, for fear that some old, dusty flames would come creeping out of moldy rocks and try to rain on my parade (he IS a former athlete and sometimes you have to think about those things) ... but then a Bible thumping friend of mine reminded me of a scripture..."What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate."

... And besides, in the wise words of the R&B one hit wonder, Mokenstef, "Bitch, he's mine! You may have had him once! But I got him ALL the time!" The song didn't really say 'bitch', but I thought it was a nice touch for emphasis purposes.

The subject of hoes and athletes brings me to a related subject. I remember after I graduated college and moved back home to Miami, I delivered my first daughter. My baby daddy was traveling from Indiana to Jacksonville to Miami frequently because he was playing pro ball at the time .In the middle of all this, I joined Facebook early 2005 and I reunited with some folks from college. I was messaging one girl in particular back and forth as we were updating each other on our lives. She was still in undergrad, and I had been out a year. Our catching up was going well, …. until she pissed me off with a message that was kinda like this,

"Girl, I don't know how you do it! You are a very strong person. To have to deal with all the things that you deal with... And you are still hanging on and standing by your man." I wanted to respond like this, "What the hell is you talking about?? Bitch, do you know something about my man that I don't know??".... Instead, my response was, "I'm not understanding you. What do you mean by "things I have had to deal with"... Her response..."Well, with your man playing at Florida and now in the NFL, I can imagine the things that he might be doing."

This is how I wanted to respond to her dumb ass "concern" and "admiration" for me, …... "Because you're ugly, 23 years of age, and have never had a boyfriend, I could understand why you would assume crazy shit like that. But a grown woman who has experienced life, love and heartaches in the past knows what a true relationship is about. A grown woman also knows better than to assume shit about someone else's relationship and actually express those ASSumptions out loud. Since you haven't had the opportunity to have a boyfriend, much less a first kiss, let me educate you on the facts of life. A mans profession/ hobbies doesn't dictate how deceptive he is going to be to his companion. If its in a mans heart to step out on his relationship, then it doesn't matter if he is a CEO, garbage man, Senator, math teacher, astronaut, janitor, or a priest that's feeling up on a 10 year old boy's lil balls...
All people (not just men) are capable of deceiving their companion. Temptation is everywhere and sluts/hoes/home wreckers are EVERYWHERE! I can't follow after each and every roach with a flip flop and CRUNCH them into the ground whenever they get too close to my man. Its my mans job to crunch the roaches on his own! He needs to carry his own damn flip flop... And that flip flop is really just symbolic for carrying around his love, respect and loyalty for me. He should carry it everywhere he goes because you never know when a roach with full lips and a big booty is going to pass by or be lurking behind a corner! And although she might be tempting, at the end of the day... She's a ROACH!!!! And you know what they say about roaches! Them hoes don't DIE.. They multiply! Roaches come in all sizes, shapes and colors…. Shit… YOU might be a damn ROACH! Writing this stupid shit to me…. And we NOT even cool like that for you be bringing up my damn boyfriend in the first damn place!!!! But anyhow, ugly girl… the point is… ... No matter what the profession the man holds, just KNOW that there will always be roaches and several other different kinds of sea urchins and parasites crawling around him. You can't a control that man and you can't control a pest. All you can do is control your self!!!!!"

I didn't say all of that to the ugly girl though….... Instead, I just never responded to her last message... And let her continue to assume the worst for me. It made sense why she was so negative though. Her lack of experience was the reason why she was SO ignorant. And her ugliness was the reason for her lack of experience... Yeah... I know that's mean. But it doesn't take away from the fact that it's true….

This is my testimony, and hopefully by now, ugly girl has had the opportunity to have one of her own…

Here is a video of Mokenstef's one and only hit from the early 1990's. It's a bit disturbing, (especially the first line in the first verse) but it was a catchy song to jam to at the time...

What's a Crush... according to Raven...

Who is teaching your children about the basics to life? Here is a valuable lesson that Raven learned without Mommy or Daddy's help... a lesson that we should have taught her but never thought to do so because of her young age... Never underestimate your children's capacity for knowledge...

Click link to take a listen....

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/heavenwbc/2010/06/21/mommy-crush-is

Lose, lose situation...

You know what sucks a fat ass… Punk ass MOTHER NATURE sucks ass!!! How is it that I'm old enough for gray hairs, varicose veins on my legs, a mommy tummy and wrinkles around my eyes, but still young and ripe enough to still have my monthly period, pimples AND braces… Ain't that some BULLSHIT?!? From looking at the picture on the right, you might be saying... "But Heaven, you look AMAZING!!"  I know, I know! But trust me, this is a once every 4 months.....it's someone's birthday, so I have to wear make-up day.

Rhea is on my side... she thinks that's some BULL too...

Stuck.... in my own cloud...

Do you ever find yourself on the Internet... Facebook, blogs, celebrity sites, your inbox, My space... (who really uses My space??).... But do ever find yourself on the Internet doing absolutely NOTHING... Just looking for STUFF... stalking the web like a junkie looking for his next fix...jumping from profile to profile.. aimlessly.. looking for nothing in particular... late at night.. early in the morning... while at work??

I realized that lately, I do that more and more and more... Recently, I had to ask myself, "Self... What are you looking for???" And I realize that I MAY... just MAY be looking for something that I feel like I'm missing...but looking aimlessly because I don't know what that SOMETHING is just yet... It's such an unsettling feeling... And I think I navigate the great WORLD WIDE WEB because its supposed to be the source for everything. Need a restaurant? Need a job? Need a car? Need to contact someone?

EVERYTHING is now on the internet. But I also think that the web is also hindering me from getting to the core of what might be missing... because its the best/most convenient/time killing distraction ever .. EVER... ever created...

I wonder .. I truly wonder... What would have happened and where I would be in life right now if.... For every time I opened up facebook, I opened up the GOOD book... or if... every time I responded to a text/bbm, I said thank you GOD.... for nothing in particular but just thank you.................... OR if I took all the time I spent worrying about THIS and THAT, and invested it in just living and being happy in my moment, regardless of the moment...

What I really wonder is... where I would be if...... for every minute I spent writing/editing this blog for you to read...instead, I spent the time in my room, on my knees.... talking to HIM about what may be missing...
Man OH man... If I combined ALL the time and things I do... that waste time and distract me...... and used that towards building a stronger/healthier relationship with God/Spirituality... I GUARANTEE... I woulda been Jesus Executive Assistant by now...

Bees don't Cake, my sunshine away!

This is the song I sing to my girls when I lay them down to bed. I don't sing it to them EVERY night. I save it for those special nights... The nights where there is something moving in the closet, or Rhea keeps moving around in her sleep and waking Raven, or Raven keeps snoring and waking up Rhea... Basically, I sing this song to them when they have come out into the living room a thousand times, saying that they can't go to sleep for one reason or another...I sing this song about 4 times in a row and rock them back and forth (even the big one)... and it USUALLY works like a charm!! They stay in bed and eventually, are knocked out.

 Here is Rhea's version of the song... Don't be surprised if you see her on stage one day... singing to a 50 year old Beyonce that's been crowned as an Icon.

Jungle Fever...

We were eating pizza when this little boy passes by the glass window. He starts making silly faces through the window and Raven starts playing along. This is an example of two things... First thing is, children have the purest hearts. Only children can be complete strangers and play like this. The second thing this is an example of is... There are some raggedy ass parents on this planet. Where was his mom while he was running up and down the plaza sidewalk? At the end of the plaza talking to a friend...smoking a cigarette. And people try to report ME to Children and Families Dept?? But back to the picture above... Isn't it sooo cute??!?!